Tantrums And Tampax

I am really feeling it this week. The Toddler has been waking up at 6am followed by The Tomboy at 6.10am. And an early start does not a pleasant daughter make. She has been what can only be described as revolting. There have been tears, tantrums and time outs but whatever I do only seems to make matters worse. She has a very canny knack of becoming a child-monster the minute The Husband leaves for work, thus ensuring that whenever I report her behaviour to him, he only responds "Well she was beautiful for me this morning". It's his way of saying that the children's behaviour is entirely down to me. He should write a parenting manual, really.

We have recently bought The Tomboy some red football boots. The Husband chose to buy them because he knew she would love them and I agreed because they would give me Punishment Power. The thing with my children is they rarely give a monkeys about anything, so I can't take away stuff to reprimand them. But The Tomboy is so in love with her football boots that any threat to them going in the bin immediately stops her commotion. It goes like this most mornings:

Her (crying): "I don't want porridge for breakfast, it's dis-gust-ing"

Me (losing it): "But you just asked me for porridge"

Her: "No I didn't you're lying"

Me: "Just eat it, we're going to be late for school"

Her: "You're the worst-est mummy ever I hate you"

Me: "Okay just for that I am going to put your football boots in the bin"

Her (stuffing porridge in her mouth): "Sorry Sorry gorgeousness mummy, you're the best-est mummy ever".

I'm sure Supernanny would have a field day with me but, really, whatever works I'll use.

My aunt once said to me that whatever it takes to get through the day and keep everybody happy then just do it. Even if it means six hours of television. It's the best advice I've ever received.

As it's so rare these days for me to cook dinner, straighten my hair or go to the toilet on my own I will do anything to grasp five minutes of peace and quiet without some kid hanging off me. The Toddler is the worst when I am taking a shower. He cries and pushes open the shower door trying to get on top of me. If you have ever attempted to shave your legs whilst holding the shower door shut with your head then you'll know what I'm talking about. Except this morning I had a brainwave. As you know, The Toddler is not into toys of any form. Believe me, I have filled the bathroom with cars and balls and crayons but nothing keeps him away from me in the shower. So this morning I gave him a box of Tampax. Super plus. And it worked beautifully. He ripped, threw and chewed his way through a box of twelve in the amount of time it took me to shampoo and condition.

So I get that I'm not going to be nominated for any Parent Of The Year Award. But at least I got everybody to school on time - with clean hair.