Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Rules Of The Special Love

Let's face it - sometimes us mothers don't feel like it. The kids have been hyper, the kids have been clingy, the kids in general...can often stop sexual desire dead in its tracks. Men do not see it this way. If you are a) AWAKE and b) ALIVE then they don't see why their needs cannot be met. Unfortunately there are certain occasions that raise their frisky heads like birthdays and anniversaries. Today is my wedding anniversary so I know the time is coming. As soon as The Husband tires of his laptop, he'll cuddle up close and make his move. I can't get out of it because whatdoyaknow we've got to rekindle our LOVE and celebrate nine *cough* wonderful *cough* years together. Avoidance is NOT AN OPTION, so instead I am referring to my (made up) book of Rules Of The Special Love:

1) Missionary only. To avoid any seizing up of muscles from unnatural poses and to enable over-the-shoulder facebooking and tweeting.
2) Definitely no doggy style because, I don't know what's happened but since turning 40 I'm getting more wind.
3) Never do it naked. (Although him seeing me naked might be a great avoidance tactic). Up the knicker leg is the best option plus you get a 'no need to wax' bonus.
4) No snogging and definitely no nipple foreplay. These boobies became the property of our children years ago.
5) Time slot of ten minutes. No negotiation. This may be extended to fifteen minutes if VERY special occasion where I have received bling, but only at my discretion.
6) NEVER ask me to shave or wax - this will only give off the impression that I want it more.
7) No role playing. Unless it involves sitting around watching crap telly.
8) Facial hair is illegal. If I'm putting out, then the least you can do is shave.
9) Sex toys are not an option. I only have that vibrator to keep The Toddler amused while I'm straightening my hair.
10) If I'm really having to do it, then I want at least two orgasms.

Husband - if you abide by these Golden Rules then you might find that I am more willing to engage. I might let it happen at Christmas too.

28 comments:

  1. Anonymous28 September 2011 at 14:05

    Spoons is always a good call as you can be there without being there (especially if your other half thinks it's cool to pretend you're asleep!!!). Ahem.

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  2. Paula28 September 2011 at 14:05

    I LOVE this!!!

    So, so true!! :D

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  3. Five Go Blogging28 September 2011 at 14:11

    *Printing this out and leaving it casually lying about in the bedroom*
    Thank you x

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  4. 76 sunflowers28 September 2011 at 14:23

    Guffaw and snigger - love it!x

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  5. lucy joy28 September 2011 at 14:27

    And if he starts it, he has to clean up afterwards. Leaving the smell if wet wipes to remind you of pooey bums. Just me?.

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  6. Anonymous29 September 2011 at 00:30

    Am I the only person with a man who can take it or leave while I would happily do it daily!

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  7. Anonymous29 September 2011 at 05:51

    Some questions:
    a) what is doggy style?
    b) what is foreplay?
    and c) what is sex toys?

    Otherwise, I hear ya, sistah!

    (PS I'm joking. I totally know what foreplay is. That's when they give you biscuits, yeah?)

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  8. Anonymous30 September 2011 at 12:37

    I totally love you, I completely believe in these special love rules. If only husbands felt the same way. In fact last time I had sex was on my husband's birthday ... mmm.. four months ago!

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  9. Stressy Mummy4 October 2011 at 14:09

    This is the first blog of yours that I have read and it is brilliant! I can so relate to this - I seem to have one golden rule, no not in a million years! Really funny, thank you

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  10. Anonymous4 October 2011 at 14:24

    :lol: So, so true. Brilliant post, thank-you!

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  11. Anonymous9 October 2011 at 02:12

    LMAO brilliant! Just caused major spitting of tea over laptop though....bugger

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  12. Kitty15 October 2011 at 02:51

    Oh, funny. I'd have so much more sex if these ground rules were in place chez moi. I'd love to feel differently about the whole thing, truly I'd love to be positively tigerous (new word) about it, but hey - I'm not. So there.
    A well-put blog indeed.

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  13. Mama, Hear Me Roar27 October 2011 at 10:35

    So funny!! No. 1 reeled me in. And yeah, my babies got my boobies too.

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  14. Curtise4 November 2011 at 15:05

    I am liking your blog. A lot! This really has me chuckling.
    Off to check out your other posts. Enjoy your break.

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  15. Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron1 February 2012 at 14:00

    I've always understood that marital intimacy meant watching 'Rev' together under a sofa rug.

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  16. mummyratesit.co.uk3 February 2012 at 02:40

    Sadly this is spot on.
    I also request lights off and to be able to put my pyjamas back on straight away afterwards - don't like a draught! So sexy.

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  17. Rollercoaster Mum10 March 2012 at 15:40

    so so true, and like MJ need pj's back on ASAP!

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  18. Anonymous9 May 2012 at 05:20

    Haha LOVE it! Im just entering this type of 'special love' stage in our relationship, as only been with the OH just over 4 years! Can relate to most, but still doing the good old doggy position.... and I broke the vibrator not my 2 yr old! *sobs* Just LOVE reading your blogs and tweets! Your amaze :-)

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  19. Anonymous9 May 2012 at 05:48

    I'm actually crying from laughing X

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  20. Older Single Mum9 May 2012 at 05:56

    This is one of my favourite all time posts. I read it pretty early in my blogging / Twitter foray and wondered what on earth I had let myself in for! Classic, Claire and many congrats on making the BritMums finals - thoroughly deserved. :)

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  21. Hollie Smith9 May 2012 at 06:00

    Chortlesome in the extreme! Personally speaking, I can only be persuaded to do it on a Sunday evening. And then only after being allowed to watch Downton Abbey (or similar) to get me in the mood. Wahey. :)

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  22. Anonymous9 May 2012 at 06:02

    And this Men is why

    A. You should never get married
    B. you should never have kids
    C. If you do get married, follow the French example and have a mistress for the sex bit.

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  23. Kirsti23 June 2012 at 11:31

    Now that I have stopped chuckling, I can tell you that this article should be made compulsory reading for a) all teenagers (best fucking contraception in the world)and b) Brides and grooms before exchanging vows at a wedding; if he can still say 'I do' after that, you know he's a keeper!

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  24. Caitlin6 July 2012 at 08:24

    Thanks so much for reading this at Britmums--I was cracking up along with everyone. It was so funny! :)

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