The Argument

I've just had a row with The Husband. It's the same argument we've had for the past six years and is linked to either a full moon, lack of sleep, my period or his need to have special love. The script never changes - he makes a comment (usually about the way I deal with the children), I go MENTAL over his audacity and there in follows an exchange of angry words and cutting remarks based around the subject of "My Life Is Crapper Than Yours".

Which got me thinking. And it was quite funny because I had totally forgotten what the argument was about and I just wanted to run off and write my blog. But I couldn't go anywhere until we had had The Making Up, involving a cuddle which The Husband sees as an opportunity to get frisky.

Anyway, here I am at last with my thoughts.

The Husband's life is VERY IMPORTANT and he must have a laptop&mobile phone with him always. He says "The big cheese has left some people out in the cold because they don't keep their eye on the ball, but that's the way the cookie crumbles". I'm not sure what he is talking about. I have no idea what he does for a living.

My life, in comparison, seems VERY SMALL. Some days I have to do washing and some days I have to buy Sudocrem. However during the aforementioned argument I had an epiphany which goes something like this: Our jobs are EXACTLY THE SAME (but my life is still the crappiest). For example,

NEGOTIATION: The Husband does a lot of this and from what I can gather is very good at it. I am not so good at it but he should try negotiating with The Tomboy who will only wear football kits, he should attempt to negotiate with The Eldest One who says it's his worstest day ever even though he has been at three parties, played football, ate sweets and been bought Match Attax. And I bet the Husband wouldn't be so clever when negotiating with The Toddler who is determined to microwave Coke cans and poke sticks in my eye.

TIME MANAGEMENT: Well The Husband isn't very good at this but he is excellent at covering up his Time Management mistakes. He invents the weirdest and most wonderful excuses for being late to meetings that he gets everyone else apologising for being on time. I win hands down in this category. I always get to school before the bell goes without forgetting a child or a packed lunch. I am in Starbucks at the precise time I'm craving coffee. I am mostly on time for New Look when I need some retail therapy. I arrive promptly for any playground gossip. The children are always in time for bed and I almost never ever miss an episode of Desperate Housewives.

MEETINGS AND POWER LUNCHING: The Husband never has a meeting less than three hours long which of course he has to chair and always ensures he uses the words "Sustainable", "Due Diligence" and "Creative Destruction". Oh how The Husband does love a good power lunch. The more expensive the better. And he always ensures he picks up the bill. However The Husband has never experienced a meeting/power lunch like two adults and three toddlers in Pizza Express at a busy lunch time where the food is taking over an hour and they've run out of kiddie packs. I can use the words "Creative Destruction" in a much more appropriate sentence.

PRIORITISING: Does The Husband work on this years budget, the client proposal or his presentation to the board? Do I wash up or boil the kettle or read Grazia?

STRESS: So okay, I understand that a commute into London plus a team of 14 (directly) and 100 (indirectly) people under his great guidance plus managing a business worth 35million plus coming home to three crazy kids & a complaining wife DOES constitute a certain amount of stress. The Husband, however, can still pop out to buy a sandwich or read a paper on the train, indeed exercise some freewill. I, on the other hand, have to plan and implement an entire Military Operation when buying milk or getting petrol or having a wee.

COMMUNICATION: The Husband must be utterly contactable at all times. If he is not in communication due to lack of signal there is a high chance of natural disaster. If his battery has ran out then there is likely to be a world-wide Flash Forward incident. This is pretty much the same for me. Texting, Phoning, Hotmail and Facebook are essential vitamins&minerals to my daily diet. Talking with my children does not come under such banner. I don't know about his conversations at work but a typical home communication is ME: "I'm going out on Monday". HIM: "I'm away with work". ME: "When were you going to tell me?". HIM: "I'm telling you now".

GOSSIPING: On the rare occasion that The Husband brings home some office gossip, it's usually very good, as long as he doesn't digress into telling me about his workload. My playground gossip regarding who was wearing what and who doesn't like who pales in comparison.

So I reckon the scores are The Husband 3, Me 5.

I declare myself World Champion Crap Life Holder (well, for today anyway).

Sometimes Yummy, Mainly Slummy

In the Court of Mothers, I just want to say a few words as the defense counsel for the type of Mummy I am (ha you can tell I've been watching The Good Wife).

There's sooooo much stuff around these days which tells you how to nurture your kids - don't get me started on the Ginas, the Supernannys, the Dog Whisperers (I know that's for dogs but often gets positive results from my children). How can one mother possible ensure her three children get their 5-a-day, half hour of exercise, water to aid concentration, clean fingernails and enough sleep to ensure maximum performance???? As well as cleaning house, cooking meals, loading & unloading washing machine, loading & unloading tumble dryer, packed lunches, organising school uniform, watching Jeremy Kyle, helping with homework, taking an interest in their day, texting, washing up, avoiding special love, buying milk etc etc. Oh if only Mr Dyson would invent a Mummy domestic appliance. I would LOVE to hear from Mummys who do all the above and still have time (and the desire) for adult conversation.

As my friend put it the other day "If the job for Mummy was advertised, I would never have applied". I might have applied but I would never have got through the interview. And even if I'd got the job, my colleagues would all be doing a damn sight better than me.

Don't take me too seriously, my children do make me happy but it's when I am on my own, with sole charge of the remote and feeling, well, like ME that I am the happiest. Yes I can be selfish - if I wasn't I don't think I could ever get ME back again, but I do love my children.

I tried it once - being a Great Mum. It was a couple of months after I had The Toddler. I did loads of home cooking, even changed the bedding regularly, played games and never raised my voice. I was actually pretty fun to be around (not as fun as The Husband though, who always manages to bounce in at 7pm declaring a game of Rocket Ships, no matter that I've spent the past hour trying to calm down the kids). However nobody noticed or even cared and The Husband thought I was having a breakdown.

In my closing argument, I quote the wise words of Outnumbered (GENIUS television show). My efforts and intentions are down to "Well meaning parental incompetence while attempting to raise kids with the minimum of emotional damage to all concerned."

The Sport Of Parenting

I have come to realise there are three types of parents where competitiveness is concerned 1) The parents who are openly competitive 2) The parents who are secretly competitive 3) The parents who aren't competitive. I would put myself in Category 3 (well, sometimes).

1) The Parents Who Are Openly Competitive

I must give kudos to the Competitive Parents (CPs) as they have an unconditional belief in their Perfect Children's abilities plus an infinite amount of No Shame. Parenting, for them, has become the most competitive adult sport. Parents that engage in the sport of Competitive Child Rearing (coming soon to Playstation 3), often get great results from their Perfect Children. Maybe this is where I am going wrong. I understand that we live in a culture which constantly tells us to get the best for our children, but Swahili lessons at age 5? Come on. Once upon a time in a land far far away, children were allowed to be children and it wasn't about the best nursery, the top schools and the excellent exam results.

It starts from birth. Competitive Parents go out of their way to let their friends know how little pain relief the mother needed and how amazing their newborn sleeps. Then comes the feeding - all breast and organic cooking only. Pushchairs are a major showing-off area with parents paying hundreds to push the most fashionable model and create as much pram-envy as possible. Then come the improve-your-baby classes: Sign Language, Music, Yoga - all before baby is one. At school age the extra-curricular classes include underwater swimming and public speaking. A major area of one upmanship is not owning a television. The ultimate aim of the Competitive Parent is to have rival parents know exactly what they are up to, only then have they satisfactorily achieved their goal.

2) The Parents Who Are Secretly Competitive

Secretly Competitive Parents (SCPs) are definitely the worst kind. If you are non-competitive, they lure you into a friendship based on your shared non-competitiveness. At first you think how nice it is to have a friend who doesn't make you feel crap about your kids. That's their aim, they reel you in and just at the point when you are talking about how you've fed your kids fish fingers five nights in a row, they STRIKE. You think you have misheard them and you let it pass, but you see them a few days later and they strike again. It starts off subtle, a comment here, a funny look there but little by little they have got you feeling so goddamn AWFUL that your kids will never be as good as theirs.

Secretly Competitive Parents are very very clever. It's not the obvious things that SCPs are competitive about. There are the ones who go all out for book day fancy dress (hmmmm that would be me then). Those who throw the biggest and best birthday parties and the ones who say their child eats everything (ooops me again). They also excel at turning achievements into negatives so to get away with it "Oh I felt so bad having a go at her about her spellings but then she won The Headteacher's Award".

The terrible fact about SCPs is that the one time you accidentally mention that your child has won something, they say "Oh you're not turning into one of THOSE parents are you?"

3) The Parents Who Aren't Competitive

When I first had The Eldest One I admit I was competitive for about eight months at which point he had a Health Visitor Check and I realised that I didn't have a child genius. This was reinforced when he reached two years and I looked at his old baby photos and couldn't understand why I had thought he was the most beautiful babe when clearly he was a MOONHEAD. From these moments on I understood that it was pointless trying to compete as my kids were shaping up to be pretty average. I found the minute I judged another child's behaviour, my children would infinitely do something worse.

Now take me and The Husband. We are pretty cool, right? We've been to Glastonbury, I wear Uggs and we know a couple of N-Dubz tracks. So how come we have possibly the uncoolest kids on the planet? They don't even look cool so we can't pretend they are cool when they are so obviously not. There ought to be a support group for all us Non Competitive Parents: "Hello my name is Claire, I'm a slack mum and I have rubbish kids".

I know that my non-competitiveness is also about the security I have in the Parent-Me. Although I'm not that secure when a teacher pulls me up about The Tomboy's behaviour or when The Grandma questions why The Toddler wasn't walking at twelve months by asking "Do you think he is disabled?"

I don't want to be mother to The Perfect Child (well, some days...), I much prefer spirited kids anyway. Spirited being a great word to use for a child that will never be The Perfect Child, no matter how competitive you are.