Til Death Do Us Part?

Children change a marriage. Completely and permanently. They change who we are as individuals and therefore who we are as a couple. They affect how we see each other and how we are with each other. You can't tell me that The Husband still looks at my frou-frou in the same way as he did before he saw my daughter's head coming out of it. Children throw a solid marriage into turmoil. I do not understand couples who have children to bring them closer because clearly this is not the case. I have never felt such annoyance, exasperation, infuriation and, occasionally, resentment towards The Husband until after the birth of each child. And I'm sure he has felt the same way about me (I had to write that in case he's reading this).

The Husband, as you know, is very important in the Working World. But at home he often lacks Common Sense. Don't get me wrong, he is very helpful around the house - he does all the jobs that I refuse to do such as packed lunches and hoovering, without complaint. But when it comes to the day to day management of the children he doesn't have a clue. Oh yes he is very good at running around outside with a hose in the midday sun but will never remember to apply lotion to his little funsters. I agree he is just brilliant at taking them to their activities like swimming but often forgets the costumes. He is superb at driving The Tweenager to a sleepover but sends him without his pyjamas and toothbrush.

Add to this lack of Common Sense, three very demanding children and a Mother trying to hold it together and you have A Nightmare On Marriage Street. Having a child is like planting a bomb in the middle of your marriage and when the dust settles everything is different to how it was before.

I love The Husband dearly and he loves me, but nothing tests us like having children together. The kids wear us out quicker than they wear out their shoes. At the end of a crazy day the last thing I (and probably he) want to do is rekindle our romance, put some effort into our marriage.

I am not a fan of spending time together away from the children to nurture our vows. If we have to go out then I would much prefer to go to the cinema or go out with another couple. That way we can avoid any sort of awkward silences mid-conversation, even though all we probably do is talk about the kids. Our marriage works because we have an unspoken agreement that in the evening I watch my crappy American shows and he spends time with Miss Laptop, his square headed girlfriend.

Oh I'm sure he has a lot to put up with too. My breasts have turned into pitta breads and the only thing Brazilian on my body is the rainforest between my legs. I am moody and selfish. I spend money on clothes and hide the evidence. I pretend I am interested in his day. But saying that, I love The Husband for putting up with me and when he comes home the kids are still alive - so I'm fulfilling my side of the contract.

I just adore being married, it's so great to find that one special person you can annoy for the rest of your life.

Naptime Is The New Happy Hour

Forgive me, I've not written in a week. I don't know where the time goes - but blame it on the sunshine. I don't want to be on my computer when I can be out in the garden with a gin&tonic whilst The Toddler sleeps and the other two are at school. Yes I know I shouldn't be drinking in the daytime but I've come to realise that being ever so slightly drunk makes me a better mum. And these days it only takes one drink to render me lightheaded, giddy and, well, FUN. All the jollity I have had recently with the kids is when I am marginally tipsy. I'm hardly ever Fun Mum when I am sober.

Now the reason for this is that I haven't been very well. I have been suffering from a serious condition called Growing Up. I think I have finally reached the point in life where I am trying to be content with my lot. I am no longer going to blame the children for my 'where is my past life' dysfunction. A key to success is to constantly move forward, or so I am told.

God, listen to me - I need a drink.

Ministry Of Mum is a firm believer in Mothers Who Dabble In Minor Debauchery. Whether it be restrained daytime drinking, the odd swear word, few ciggies, sex toys (god forbid!), bit of shop lifting or good ol' plain bitching - I will give my blessing. It's so hard to feel free being a mother that the odd self gratification here & there can only contribute to making better mums. I fully experience the joys of motherhood when the children are in bed and I have a drink/cigarette/free lipgloss/good piece of gossip to hand.

As you know, I have three children. None of which were a drunken accident. They were planned and they are much loved. That being said, I refuse to believe that I don't bloody deserve a few minutes to take a shower, do a poo and have a goddamn phone conversation. Some days I am living a dream and a nightmare at the same time. So if I decide to enjoy inconsequential recklessness to ease my frustrations then so be it - it's better than running away. I hope my blog inspires you to be the most honest version of yourself as a mother. It's the hardest job in the world and some catharsis is necessary, whatever form this may take.

For Health & Safety reasons I must stress that I am encouraging such revelry IN MODERATION. I am talking freedom within a framework. Getting totally plastered at lunchtime then going up the school is not a good idea, neither is smoking a fag whilst chatting to the health visitor. Please limit your indulgences but take pleasures without feeling guilty! It will make you a more delightful person and your children will thrive!

Generation Tech

Just about every family I know owns a Wii, XBox, iPhone, PSP, Ninetendo DS etc etc. All of these or a combination of these. We do not own any of these. And I would bet a million pounds that The Tweenager (aged six) is the only kid in his class whose household doesn't have these, that's shocking-yeah? But shocking because he's the only kid starved of technology or shocking that 29 of his peers have been given an expensive gadget for birthdays and Christmas? It's all down to me - I'm having a hard time separating the intelligence of this technology from the laziness it brings and I pretty much agree with JK Rowling: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain".

On one hand I accept that the planet is going digital and it's probably going to divide me from my children eventually. I'm clueless about the technical world they will inhabit. But I don't want to submerge them in gadgets and virtual games when just plain reading a book or playing in the garden brings just as much fun. They're children! There's plenty of time for them to get tech-savvy in the future. They like paper books. They like building dens. The scariest thing is that The Tweenager is going to be surpassed by The Toddler who will experience the world in a radically different way. The Toddler will view all those gadgets as everyday household objects. I understand this, but it frightens me to think that The Toddler will "know nothing other than a world with digital books, Skype video chats with faraway relatives and child-friendly video games on the iPhone".

The other day my friend said that they'd had a fun Sunday morning playing bowling with the kids on the Wii. We had actually taken our kids bowling that same day. I can't get my head around bowling or bike riding on a computer - just take your kids out! And I can't stand it when children are inside on the computer when it's nice weather outside. We live in England! Sunny days are few! So kick the kids out with a ball. Children are getting so much information all day long that they are losing the ability to amuse themselves and just play.

Alright, alright I'm not totally against technology - I'm just in a mood because I can't get an iPhone for another fifty years (stupid O2 contract) but I don't want to invite the negativity into our home that these computer games seem to bring. I've seen kids crying because they can't get to the next level, I've seen the competitiveness it brings, I've seen The Tweenager's friend ignoring him for hours because he was so enthralled in the DS. And the other day we were out for dinner and although it was a nightmare with the kids behaviour, I would much rather that than the table next to us whose four children each had their heads in their PSPs.

Ha Ha get me mouthing off today- but better to be on soap box than Xbox, right???