Mothers I'd Like to Punch (MILPs)

Oh celebrity mums. How they like to shove their teeny tiny baby bumps in our faces. How they love to show off the post baby body twenty seconds after giving birth. How they adore writing their parenting manuals, designing the babywear collections and declaring they do it all with no help whatsobloodyever.
It would be so refreshing to see a celeb saying it AS IT REALLY IS. Who admits to relying on a nanny, who struggles with losing the extra weight, who just looks fecking KNACKERED.
The lovely @midwifetomum and I have put together the following list of MILPs:

KATONA
VAN OUTEN
KLASS
THORNTON
BECKHAM
PALTROW
PRICE
HOLDEN
WILLOUGHBY
LLOYD
GIGGS
CAREY
SPEARS

And to make love, not war - here are some MILFs:
STEFANI
RINGWALD
SYKES
CRUZ
AGUILERA

Please feel free to comment and add to the list.

Parent Confessions

I want to start a Parent Confessions page where you can write things anonymously that you'd never normally admit to. Just as soon as I get my lazy arse in gear and figure out how to do it. Which might take a while. In the meantime, here's a little taster from me.

1. The one great thing I can teach my children is sarcasm.
I believe that they will grow up having sarcasm as their superpower. My 8 year old is already using sarcasm instead of his fists to fight back and he does it with humour.
Unfortunately, I will probably be on the receiving end of their sarcastic blows.

2. I don't believe that my kids will be professional sportspeople, actors or popstars.
I think this is a good thing. Of course I will support any dreams they have but I'll be truthful with them if they show no talent.
There's nothing worse than those kids on X Factor who honestly think they can sing because their family has told them so. When they're slated by the judging panel, you can see years of therapy ahead.
My kids probably will need therapy in the future anyway, but this will be down to my fuck-ups not because I told them a lie.

3. I can't wait until my kids can do their own washing, ironing and clean up after themselves.
Because in ten years time (and counting) I will be done and I will be a happier person for it. I know it's part of being a parent, but I really hate having to clean up their messes - especially when they've split juice, chucked Lego everywhere and pissed on the floor.
Short term goal - for them all to be able to wipe their own bums.

4. Sometimes my kids misbehave in public and I get embarrassed.
But that's okay. Because when they're teenagers I'll return the favour and they can use all the sarcasm they like, I'm going for it.

5. Mummy porn pisses me off. The pictures you see of celebs - Jennifer Lopez looking gorgeous with her week old twins, Angelina Jolie and her fifty kids looking fabulous, Victoria Beckham wearing D&G at Fashion Week whilst suffering from PND. Those images only exist to make us regular mums feel like shite. BUT I do sometimes aspire to be like them.

6. Quite often, instead of playing trains with my toddler, I pretend to be watching him but instead I'm texting or tweeting.

7. I love my husband. But sometimes I hate him. Especially when I've had a crappy day where the kids have practically killed each other (and me) and he comes in from work and says "They're just children."

8. On occasion, I have wondered about what my life would have been like if I didn't have children. And, on occasion, it is really really good.

9. I like that our toddler sleeps in bed with us most nights because it means I don't have to do The Special Love when I'm tired.

10. I do not like some children.

Soon, people, it will be your turn. Just give me a year or two to get it going...

Getting Off My Arse

A conversation with my mother the other day got my mind working overtime and set a fire under my Parental Guilt bonfire. Without going into detail, the brief exchange left me with knots in my stomach:
A) Because she made me feel bad.
B) Because I don't ever want to make my children feel like that.

On top of this, somebody asked me how often I read to my children. And you know what, I used to all the time - before it got a bit painful (see http://ministryofmum.blogspot.co.uk/2011/03/chinese-water-torture-and-reading-aloud.html) and before we bought an iPad. I don't hardly read to them at all now.

Cue volcanic explosion of parental guilt.

But let's get things straight. I'm no Kirsty Allsopp of a mother, one of those women born to parent. I am neither willing nor able to build a replica of Big Ben out of an egg box and yogurt pots. But in light of recent events, I've decided to make more of an effort to do more interesting stuff with the children, to stop shouting as much and to just have fun. Especially because my son has to write "News" and I once noticed that he often writes the same thing week in week out. My daughter tells everybody everything and most often it's lies. She tells her friends that I bake, paint, make her clothes and never tell her off. Well, no need to tell her friends the truth, but I suppose I could make the fiction a bit more fact.

So hence my epiphany. If I can just get off this sofa and do stuff with them then my son won't always write "Watched TV, played Angry Birds" and my daughter won't have to lie.

But it's all very well having an epiphany. It's the afterwards that is really really hard. Because you actually have to do something about it and I'm forgetting what kind of a lazy arse person I am. Parental guilt only really lasts about a day before you think "Oh feck it" and slip back into your old ways.

It's been going okay though. I've been reading to them and I've only thrown the book across the room twice. I've been playing shops. My Psycho Mum voice has been filed away for the time being. Hell, we even went to the park.

It's not making Big Ben, but it's something.