Getting My Own Back And Other Things I Plan To Do When I Am 85

I've been loving the report in the paper of the 80something man caught off his head on Benylin cough syrup which you can add to my list of things that I wouldn't do now but am looking forward to participating in when I'm 85.

There's a long list of things I plan to do when I'm an octogenarian.

Ever since The Tweenager was born seven years ago, I've become so goddamn responsible and ridiculously conservative in my actions that I need an occasional release in the other direction. Like confining 90 percent of my annual alcohol intake to the school summer fair the other week. I was so rock n roll. I got drunk whilst running the children's tombola stall then went on the spinning teacups and almost threw up. The other big release is my promise to myself to catch up on all the stupid, socially gross and self-destructive things that I'm not participating in now but am going to do in my golden years. I have no bucket list of mystical places or extreme sports. My list is stupid and perhaps illegal things that I'd never get away with as a parent of young children without social services getting involved.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Doing drugs is high on the list. It's been almost a decade since I did any illegal substances. Except after my C section I realised what prescription painkillers can do if you're taking too many when you don't actually need them. And when I'm 85 I will want to feel like that all the time. Realistically I'll have to practice in moderation in case of grandchildren but hopefully I'll be able to indulge when they go home and I'm left alone in my retirement apartment.

Wearing pyjamas everywhere is another must. At the moment, I try and make an effort on my trips to & from the schoolyard and Asda. But since getting The Dog I've been letting myself go a little and I plan to go the full way when I'm 85. And wear a visor with wraparound sunglasses.

Refuse to get in/out of my wheelchair. So these bloody kids will pay for all the time wasted trying to force them into the buggy and carseat.

Soil my incontinence pants at inopportune moments. That'll teach The Toddler for always pooing just as we're leaving for school.

And finally, be very very fussy about food even if I'm being liquid fed and projectile vomit anything green.

I can't wait! I'm going to fun again! Only another 44 years to go...