This Much I Know

I am cross with The Observer magazine because I sent them the link to my blog "My (not very interesting) Week In Pictures" and they have totally blanked me. Okay, so that was probably always the outcome but I thought for a minute that they might actually contact me with a request to publish it. So as payback I am going to nick another idea of theirs - the feature entitled "This Much I Know".

"This Much I Know" is an article where fascinating people share their thoughts and experiences with the reader. For example, this week Tom Conti (Actor, 69) shared delights such as "My temper manifests itself when I can't find something". What he failed to mention is that he actually met me once when he came to teach a class at my drama group. It was super amusing because he chose me and the boyfriend I had literally just dumped to act out a love scene. It was riveting stuff - for the audience anyway. Here goes:

THIS MUCH I KNOW

Claire Smith (Stay at home sucker, 41)

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  I have always known that I wanted three children. What I didn't know was that it would bring out emotions and behaviours in me that I didn't even know existed. I have never felt such anger, frustration, irritation, anxiety and, erm, love before I became a mother.


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  Not working is a disappointment. It's not all leisuretime and lunches. Staying at home is the stuff that mental disorders are made of. Child benefit is clearly not enough to finance my shopping needs.


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  The Husband is Keyser Soze. He is ruthless, manipulative and influential to the point that after he has given you 'The Talk', you are left feeling that you have been utterly Keyser Sozed. His harshness is legendary. He has no pity for your tears. And after you have had The Talk, this side of his personality goes so underground that you can't believe it was The Husband who was speaking to you. The greatest trick The Husband ever pulled was convincing the world that The Talk didn't exist.


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  I cannot take drink anymore. I am inebriated after two Gin & Tonics. But there is nothing better to sober me up than a child who is pissing about in bed and won't go to sleep.


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  Before I got The Dog I struggled to walk anywhere. I yearned for drive through everythings. The Dog has forced me to go walking everyday and, boy, it's good.


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  I don't believe in much. But I believe that the X Factor is a fix, that The Toddler may be a serial killer in the making, that The Tomboy came from a chicken egg and that I need to stop eating crap.


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  I know that most parenting gurus talk a load of rubbish. I've read them all yet I am yet to find one that tells me how to keep the kids educationally occupied while I text and Facebook.


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  I think arts & crafts were invented by Mr Dyson. What other reason do you have to hoover?


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  There is such a thing as the MEN-strual cycle. Don't tell me that I am moody and hormonal every 28 days or so. I have been plotting The Husband's cycle and have discovered that he has his own little man period going on every month.


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  My children are growing up (I think) to be strong individuals. But I could do with less attitude every day.


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  If you think your day is going well, just don't take the kids out for dinner. Nothing else will make your day go more horribly wrong.

Claire Smith stars in her own life until the 8th of Forever, see website for details.