How To Survive The School Playground

1. WARDROBE
The most essential part of your attire is Ugg boots. No matter what crappy, smelly clothes you are wearing they will always be offset by Uggs. If you really have to go to school in your pyjamas or joggers, make sure you tuck your pants into a good pair of Uggs. This post is not sponsored by Ugg Australia by the way.
Hats are good if they are stylish. Berets and flat caps will make you look crazy. Also, invest in a great winter coat preferably in a fab colour. Shades must be worn at most times, but not when it is raining as you will look like a tit.
Above all be confident in what you wear. You will be known as a Stylish Mummy and that is as important as being a Good Mummy. In my world, anyway.

2. FRIENDS
Do not be tempted to make friends with the first mother that speaks to you. Chances are there is a reason why they are being friendly - they are either fundraising or have no other friends. If you immediately befriend them, once you realise that you've actually made a mistake, the fun mums will have already formed their clique to which you will never be admitted.
Stay friendly with all but keep a slight distance. True friendship will always shine through. Be warned though: The mummies you make friends with in Reception will probably be your enemies by Year 4. Sometimes it takes that long to realise that someone is a two-faced bitch.

3. COMPETITION
Never ever get dragged into the Sport Of Competitive Parenting. You will never win. Do not discuss your child's achievements with anyone. Because I can guarantee their child will have done better. Or the teacher will immediately come up to you and have a word about your kid's behaviour that day. Save any bragging for that phone call to grandparents.

4. PTA
PTA is not a bad thing but do not think that it makes you important. It's great to help out at a few things but don't walk around with a clipboard and a whistle. PTA often organises fun events for parents too and if your social life is a bit crappy, a school quiz night can be a real saviour. That's how sad I am these days. And the kiddies love a summer fayre, even though you'll find that you've spent two months child benefit on the coconut shy.

5. EYE CANDY
Always find a fanciable Dad. Playground flirting makes the school run a bit nicer. Never overstep the mark by joking about a blow job in front of his children. It's got to be innocent and fun. Do not fantasise about him when you are having special love with your other half.

Please feel free to add to this, folks.