If Your Name's Not Down, You're Not Going Out

Ever since a certain incident last Thursday when The Husband 'forgot' that I was going out, I have decided to install a Family Calendar. About last Thursday - I was supposed to go out with the girls for a curry, but The Husband rang at 7.30pm to say he was running behind schedule and he would be home by 8pm at the latest. The Husband is the only person in the world who can make it from Birmingham to Bedfordshire in twenty minutes, apparently. Anyway he gets home at gone 9pm and had clearly forgotten that I was supposed to be going out. To be honest, I hadn't really been in the mood for a girlie night, but I wasn't going to let him know that. I was torn between just laughing it off or going into one about how he has all the freedom and I am just a caged animal who bloody well can't even go out for ONE SODDING NIGHT. It was only when the girls rang me to say 'where are you there's a poppadom with your name on it' that The Husband cottoned on. I decided to go for the I don't really mind missing out attitude, but we all know that I've got it stored in my brain under "Things To Bring Up In Future Arguments".

The idea is to revolve our lives around the Family Calendar. Which is never ever going to happen because we seem to live in constant chaos, but for the moment I am pretending that we are a functional, organized unit. The calendar is detailed as follows:

MUM/DAD/THE ELDEST ONE/THE TOMBOY/THE TODDLER

So far this week I have listed the below activities:

MUM: buy soap

DAD: working late Wednesday & Thursday

THE ELDEST ONE: football

THE TOMBOY: football

THE TODDLER: whatever Mum is doing plus cutting/smashing/spilling/burning

On one hand, the Family Calendar makes me feel like I am totally in control, the captain of the family ship, the matriarch overseeing her brood and their whereabouts. I'm hoping that when one of my London friends calls and asks what I've been up to, I can check the Family Calender and reel off numerous exciting activities. But on the other hand, it really depresses me because there it is in black&white how dull my life is. I think I'm going to put on there a few made up things so when people come over they get a glimpse of a fun-packed, adventure-filled family with numerous social gatherings for Mum & Dad. But anyone who knows me will suspect that it's bulls**t.

The Family Calendar also has the downside that it may give The Husband an advantage over me. For example last night he said "You know I'm out with a client tomorrow night" to which I had no idea and started to moan about how he never tells me anything in advance - soon to be cut off with his retort "Well, I did put it on the planner". Damn!

But I've thought of the perfect revenge. Next time he suggests any form of friskiness, especially during Glee or Desperate Housewives, I will quick-as-a-flash retaliate "Sorry darling, we can't. It's not on the Family Calendar".