Health & Safety

We had an incident yesterday which pretty much sums up my 2011 Family Experience: The Toddler got a book stuck on his head.
It's true. We were having an uneventful day, aside from the usual 47 squabbles and 28 backchats, driving home merrily from a trip when lo-and-behold it all went horribly wrong. Basically, The Toddler was having a jolly old time sat in his car seat looking at his new book, when he decided to see if the front cover would fit over his head. The book has a hole in it, you see:


Once Upon A Trauma

You know that situation when a kid gets his head stuck through railings and can't get out again? Well it was that. But with a Marks and Spencer bear book, ironically designed to sooth and settle.
It took ten minutes of calming him and some crafty scissor skills to remove the book from his head. The Husband was the hero. And he had to be the hero - because I spent the entire time laughing so hard that I peed myself. It was brilliant.
This incident got me thinking about how the experts are always lecturing about Health and Safety around your children. So much so that you spend your entire parenting life thinking that you're going to kill them. But shit happens. And by shit I mean rolling off the sofa, tumbling down stairs and gagging on baby food. I defy any parent to tell me that they haven't spent hours in A&E because their baby fell off the bed.
But what these experts fail to warn us of is the Health and Safety needed to take care of us parents. For example, this book should have come with a warning that if your toddler gets it stuck on their head, you are very likely to wet yourself from laughing.

So I've done a little list to keep you parents safe:
1. You should be warned that wasted hospital trips will cause you to miss your favourite TV shows.
2. Great care needs to taken of clothes when feeding baby food. Broccoli and Uggs are not a good mix.
3. Your hands are likely to get covered in poo when emptying a potty or wiping a bum.
4. Bending down to pick up mess will hurt your back and you are likely to get many scars from stepping on Lego.
5. It needs to be quite clear that the amount of time you spend trying to not kill your offspring could actually be spent drinking gin.

Anyway, The Toddler is fine, in case you were wondering. But I'm not. My new jeans smell like wee.