Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Parent Confessions

I want to start a Parent Confessions page where you can write things anonymously that you'd never normally admit to. Just as soon as I get my lazy arse in gear and figure out how to do it. Which might take a while. In the meantime, here's a little taster from me.

1. The one great thing I can teach my children is sarcasm.
I believe that they will grow up having sarcasm as their superpower. My 8 year old is already using sarcasm instead of his fists to fight back and he does it with humour.
Unfortunately, I will probably be on the receiving end of their sarcastic blows.

2. I don't believe that my kids will be professional sportspeople, actors or popstars.
I think this is a good thing. Of course I will support any dreams they have but I'll be truthful with them if they show no talent.
There's nothing worse than those kids on X Factor who honestly think they can sing because their family has told them so. When they're slated by the judging panel, you can see years of therapy ahead.
My kids probably will need therapy in the future anyway, but this will be down to my fuck-ups not because I told them a lie.

3. I can't wait until my kids can do their own washing, ironing and clean up after themselves.
Because in ten years time (and counting) I will be done and I will be a happier person for it. I know it's part of being a parent, but I really hate having to clean up their messes - especially when they've split juice, chucked Lego everywhere and pissed on the floor.
Short term goal - for them all to be able to wipe their own bums.

4. Sometimes my kids misbehave in public and I get embarrassed.
But that's okay. Because when they're teenagers I'll return the favour and they can use all the sarcasm they like, I'm going for it.

5. Mummy porn pisses me off. The pictures you see of celebs - Jennifer Lopez looking gorgeous with her week old twins, Angelina Jolie and her fifty kids looking fabulous, Victoria Beckham wearing D&G at Fashion Week whilst suffering from PND. Those images only exist to make us regular mums feel like shite. BUT I do sometimes aspire to be like them.

6. Quite often, instead of playing trains with my toddler, I pretend to be watching him but instead I'm texting or tweeting.

7. I love my husband. But sometimes I hate him. Especially when I've had a crappy day where the kids have practically killed each other (and me) and he comes in from work and says "They're just children."

8. On occasion, I have wondered about what my life would have been like if I didn't have children. And, on occasion, it is really really good.

9. I like that our toddler sleeps in bed with us most nights because it means I don't have to do The Special Love when I'm tired.

10. I do not like some children.

Soon, people, it will be your turn. Just give me a year or two to get it going...


  1. I am currently giving you a standing ovation! I have a very similar attitude to parenting and my kids turned out just fine - I think - but don't ask them or their partners that question!

  2. I too have a similar attitude. I some things are also coming back and biting me in the ass. I had recently blogged how my husband had joined me in the shower, not for fun stuff, but to save water & get clean. Well according to my almost 18 year old son we have now set a precedent and it would be fine for him to shower with a girl, I would just be getting washed he said. lol Lesson learned - be careful what you wish for.

  3. I love, love, love your blogs. Hilariously funny & totally true.

  4. I refuse to watch my son playing football (until he makes a national team). I've explained the reason; I don't make him watch me read, why should I watch him do his hobby?

  5. So glad to hear someone else confessing to things that run through my brain on a fairly regular basis. Sometimes I flick the Vs at my kids when they aren't looking. Pathetic but it makes me feel better. I often dream of the 4th emergency service being a scary person who will come and shout at your kids when you want to have them put into temporary care. Whip them into shape while you lie down in a darkened room.

  6. I used to feel guilty about daydreaming of what my life would be like if I didn't have kids. Then, one day I wrote the daydream down. Now I have three completed novels and I'm over the guilt. ( This would be a better story if I was published! ) Love your blog!

  7. I ended walking home with my teenage son as I was late out of work.. The look on his face priceless.... I said I'd do it next weekx

  8. I tell my kids to fuck off, behind there backs...(when im utterly drained and there being awfull)I used to tell them they would go to the sausage factory if they carried on being naughty! Im a stay at home mum and often jump out of bed and switch my pc off if my husband comes home and pretend im doing something like cleaning etc!!

  9. Love this! We all have little things that we dont admit, as mums, were expected to be lovely to all mums at the school gate, to be totally enthralled and grateful of house work and washing powder convos at playgroups, not to mention to actually attend playgroups and my pet hate: TO FIND ALL NEWBORN BABIES CUTE. Im sorry but I just dont find ALL newborns cute, yes of course Ill tell their parents they are alert, cute, so good etc etc but I actually rarely mean it. My own mother makes me cringe due to her naturaly thinking all babies are beautiful, and after my confession, I am now deemed to be a demon mother who will go to hell for my view. I am also guilty about to say that when my daughter was a newborn I didnt think she was pretty for a good few weeks, then again, Im sure she thought the same looking up at a tired and very rough looking me!