Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Mum Lies

I am not a very good liar. Not one little bit. In fact whenever I lie it's so damn obvious because I fabricate the most blown-up unbelievable stories ever. Like when I have spent £500 in one month on nothing - except there are a few new frocks in my wardrobe and my hair is lookin' good and my husband asks where all my money goes and I make up some crazy ass story about the kids needing expensive shoes and aren't school dinners very costly these days. Needless to say, I have a 100% record for being busted.
Although, saying that, my ability to lie to my children is AMAZEBALLS which is great because one of the major skills you need to be a parent is LYING. Thankfully when my brain cells diminished since having kids, my ability to lie increased.
Here's a list of my Top Five Mum Lies:

I defy any mother to say that she's never used this. It's practically parenting law to use this lie every goddamn day. "In a minute" is the answer to many, many things like "Can we have sweets?", "When's dinner ready?" and "Can we do that?".

This is mostly applied to those ride-ons outside supermarkets. I don't think my children have ever encountered one that works.
"It's broken" is also great to use whenever there is a threat of crafts. Today my toddler wasn't able to paint because, hey, the paints were "broken".

Mostly applied to the ice-cream van and the park. Used frequently in the summer months.

I can remember exactly when my child benefit arrives in my account but damn it, I can never remember to put money under a pillow. It does, however, mysteriously appear in the morning when the child has popped out of bed. That tooth fairy needs a personal assitant, I tell ya.

Which is a rubbish lie that never ever works. Except when asked if they can skip school but then it's not really a lie but a useful fact when you've planned a day in front of the telly. "Go to bed, it's the law" will rarely be believed and "Eat your carrots, it's the law" will just get laughed at.

Ahhhhh also Mums lie to each other, although I don't think I've done this much. I'm the first to admit how rubbish my kids are. Yet when that new mum is bragging about her kid walking at 6 months and that other one is boasting about her kid reading at 2 years...they're lying, right? Here are my top 3 Mum to Mum lies:

Especially that fecker who reckons their newborn slept through at 3 weeks old. I appreciate some babies do sleep through early but not as early as NEWBORN, surely? Or maybe they do - because I'd have no idea since my toddler is coming up 4 and is still a rubbish sleeper.

That's not always a lie but for the majority of mums is a laughably blatant one.

Actually, I use this all the time when my toddler is being badass because, you know, he's the Golden Child who can do no wrong. And mostly, my friends are gracious enough to believe me.

So please let me know about your MUM LIES - especially if they're as good as "If you eat your bogies, you'll get worms".


  1. What about Mummy to daddy lies?
    - I have no idea how old that top is. I've had it ages.
    - The kids must have eaten them all. (applied to biscuits/cake/chocolates/sweets)
    - No I absolutely haven't been on twitter all day.
    - I don't know how to do it. (applied to any task that may cause nail breakage)
    - Of course I posted your sister in laws birthday card.

    1. Yay! I'm expert at those! Let's write joint blog! Xxx

  2. Oh my you've been stalking me & filming my life & lies!! I've used all of these in the last 24 hours!!
    Our tooth fairy is bloody useless! NEVER remembers to leave cash! My lie though is "it had a filling in it - they won't pay for rubbish teeth! That's why you have to look after your teeth! (quite cruel I'll admit!)
    Great post!

    1. Thanks, Sarah! I need an APP for tooth fairy

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  4. We tell the kids that if they take their seat belt off when the car is moving it sends a signal to the police! Worked for my daughter but think my 2 y o son will probably do it to get to see a police car lol


    Amanda x

    1. Haaaaaa I do the "there's a policeman over there" comment all the time!

  5. Re : The Tooth Fairy = its too windy so she couldn't land!

    Also if something annoying needs batteries we tend to say that we have none (which is normally a blatant lie)

    Soon is used a lot too - kinda like in a minute but a longer non descript period of time!


    1. I said "no batteries" about crayons the other day. Toddler totally bought it ;-)

  6. Ive told you a thousand times! We must have ALL used that one....and by the way, if you eat your bogeys, you absolutely do get worms - no word of a lie!

    1. I've told you a zillion times not to exaggerate is a great one! X

  7. Lied to 3 yr old once when he and 6month old were on 'baby listening' service in hotel while ex and I went to eat dinner.
    A Big Lie!

    We were tucking into our main course when over the public address system came the announcement "Would the parents of a little boy in green Next 'Dog & bone' pyjamas, Early Learning Centre Builder's helmet and large yellow sunglasses please come to reception. He says his name is Edward but can't remember what his mummy and daddy are called"! You know that sinking feeling you get when you know it one of yours?

    He was perched, completely at ease, on the edge of the reception desk, eating sweets that the 'nice ladies' had given him.

    It transpired that he'd got out of bed and pushed a chair over to the door so he could reach the lock. Then he'd spent about half an hour chatting to various passers by in the corridor. This was on the third floor!

    We had to stay at this particular hotel in Devon every year as it was near to ex's relations. So I had to tell my son that the hotel manager had a special 'magic eye camera' in our room, and that if my son put so much as a toe out of his bed then we would all be sent home the next morning.

    I feel guilty even now, but it worked for several years.

    Retribution is that said son, who will be 24 this Sunday, has recently confessed to several huge 'whoppers' he and his brother told me over the years. My middle name is 'Gullible'!

  8. How about 'wait and see' meaning never in a million years!

  9. My little one believes the biggest lie of them all.
    If he asks a question, I have an answer. If he loses something, I know where it is. He is in awe of me and believes that I am a supermum....

    This almost backfired the other day "Mummy... you dont know EVERYTHING, do you?" "Why, yes I do..." "No, really, you dont. Because, actually, you dont know how to drive the car."

    I got out of this one by saying I did know how to drive but just did not have the bit of paper to do it and if I did drive I would get stopped by the police. Back to thinking I know everything once more!

  10. I am teaching my kids the art of deception. Pretending to go to bed so my 2 yr old thinks they are asleep and then sneaking them back past her room to watch a bit more Nick Jr (YES my kids watch tele ALL THE TIME!)

    I also sneak the older one sweeties from time to time and make her secrete them about her person so her brother won't find out and then I tell her to scurry upstairs to scoff them. I tell them it's training for becoming Spy Kids. Another whopper.

    And I take no pride in the fact that by the age of 2, amongst the few phrases my daughter could utter, was 'Wine makes Mummy clever' and when I asked her to spell her name she would recite P-E-S-T with such pride.....

    Brilliant post!

    1. Sarah, can you move in next door please.
      FAB comment X

  11. Or the best ever mum lie, "Oh, we still have LOADS of sex..."

    1. I was recently told that. Not spoken to her since.

  12. The only one of those I've not yet encountered is the tooth fairy. The mum to mum lies made me lol in the truthfulness :D

    A lie we've had to use a lot recently is that veg makes your hair grow before our very eyes. Rapunzel eats all her veg like a good girl obviously...

  13. *writes all this down* Moo is getting to that age where I'll begin lying to her soon. I need all the help I can get.

    But a mum to mum lie I like is when you comment on their kid: 'Oh isn't he/she gorgeous!' (inwardly retching)

  14. Super witty post. My kids have got wise to 'in a minute' so I've had to substitute the far more flexible 'We'll see...' Given that half the time even I don't know whether that means no or not it allows for delightful suspense for everyone. The most common lie when they reach school age is 'I've just got to send a quick work email' ie 'Scram the pair of you and let me tweet in peace.'

  15. Haha laughed throughout this; so true, so right, and so damn easy ;)

  16. You forgot the ultimate 'I make all our meals from scratch' lie, which goes quite well with the my children never eat sweets lie.

    As for the ice cream man OH was telling me the other day his friends Dad use to tell his children that when the van played music it meant the ice cream man had run out!

  17. My best and most recent lie, if you don't get your hair cut you can't go to France!

    I am new here - but love it already.

    Thank you

  18. So, yesterday I had a mental breakdown after reading "soulemama's" blog. ( Felt crap, useless and guilty. Like an utter failure, because I don't do the whole *live on a farm, pickle onions, write love letters to my children, have time to do scrapbooks to all five(!!) of'em, make my own laundry powder, knit wooly jumpers, write books about my perfect family* etc etc. Freaking perfect, in every way, basically. This parenting jungle sometimes freak me out, and I wonder, is everyone having this polished, perfect life at all times? Then I went on Twitter and found your blog via a link from Cherry Healey. You saved, not only my day, but my fucking life!!! Haven't stopped smiling ever since. You're sooo talented and funny :) Thanks for making me feel so much more normal. Kinda thought I was the only one struggling with this *stay at home mama thingy-thing* sometimes ;-) So thanks. You saved a fellow mama from insanity. <3 Love!

    1. Nora - best comment ever. I so know how you feel. What's your Twitter name? Would love to chat. x

  19. 1.)I have had sex twice when my children were conceived.
    2.)I don't drink alcohol.
    3.)I worked really hard at school.
    4.)I always did as I was told.

    The end.

    My children must now follow my shining example...

  20. If you suck your thumb your bum will fall off!
    Santa just text hes well upset with you today and is afraid you might just be getting coal. Yes you tv channel is not working therefore we must watch mummys tv.... if you eat the apple core you will grow an apple tree in your tummy!
    Ha i love yours! i will use them! xx

  21. Hilarious!! Currently lying A LOT about the time. My poor 6 yr old cannot tell the time yet and I've deliberately evaded the subject. This gives me the edge over bed time. 'Go to bed, it's really late, it's half past 8' (actually 7:15) Dreading her move into Yr 2 when those sodding teachers are going to put her straight.

    And a couple more.. 'Yeah I think we must have run out of batteries, we'll get some'

    And the most evil of evilness, when you give that toy that they NEVER play with to charity which they then MIRACULOUSLY decide they want to play with again, 'Oh yeah, I've not seen that for a while. It must be around here somewhere. I'm sure it'll turn up' ... & hope they don't go off searching for it.

  22. Brilliant and all so true! My favourite is "when you lie your nose grows and only I can see it". I see them prodding their noses as they walk away and it makes me chuckle!

  23. Loved this blog. My mum still lies to me. She says that she absolutely loved being a mum all the time....LIAR! I'm only a newbee, but I've already wanted to chuck them down the stairs/run away/hide/give them to the Rag and Bone man.

  24. I tried some of the lies my mum brought me up on recently on my kids, to bad results. "If you eat your crusts your hair will grow curly." "But I don't want curly hair." *sigh*

  25. I love this blog. I spent years thinking I was inadequate compared to the other mums at the school gate, now I know they all secretly thought the same..

    My boys are 16 and 18 and I still lie to them.. "We'll see" is now translated by them as "not a cat in hells chance"..
    My worst lie was when we went on holiday and I made them go to an awful kids club by telling them that as they were out of school it was illegal not to go... I spent a great week on a sunbed not feeling guilty in the slightest.

  26. I've convinced my 4 year old that the sensors for the alarm are actually Santa cams and when the red light comes on it means he's watching. Works a treat :)