CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Monday, 30 April 2012

Mothers I'd Like to Punch (MILPs)

Oh celebrity mums. How they like to shove their teeny tiny baby bumps in our faces. How they love to show off the post baby body twenty seconds after giving birth. How they adore writing their parenting manuals, designing the babywear collections and declaring they do it all with no help whatsobloodyever.
It would be so refreshing to see a celeb saying it AS IT REALLY IS. Who admits to relying on a nanny, who struggles with losing the extra weight, who just looks fecking KNACKERED.
The lovely @midwifetomum and I have put together the following list of MILPs:

KATONA
VAN OUTEN
KLASS
THORNTON
BECKHAM
PALTROW
PRICE
HOLDEN
WILLOUGHBY
LLOYD
GIGGS
CAREY
SPEARS

And to make love, not war - here are some MILFs:
STEFANI
RINGWALD
SYKES
CRUZ
AGUILERA

Please feel free to comment and add to the list.

67 comments:

  1. Knowles!!!

    And I didn't OK those MILFS by the way. Sykes? FFS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have to love Sykes if you wanna be in my gang.
      Not seen Knowles yet. Except a pic of her a second after birth performing the Single Ladies routine

      Delete
  2. Great list!An addition would be can't think of her name-she's a model and Mrs. Orlando Bloom. For reason no 1, doing an underwear shoot about 5 seconds after giving birth, but mainly for going on about how the birth was a 'truly beautiful experience with no pain'. All I can say to that is-the drugs must have been awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miranda Kerr!
      She posted a pic of her breastfeeding which was great to promote that, but she also promoted makeup, hair and clothes styling at the same time. Oh and a professional photographer with very nice lighting.

      Delete
  3. You are bloody brilliant. That is all.

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  4. Natalie Cassidy. MILP, not MILF.

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    Replies
    1. But she's the nation's sweetheart INNIT

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  5. Replies
    1. I did like that she was caught with a fag though
      Keeping it real

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  6. Alicia Silverstone *snog*

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    Replies
    1. And all her teeny tiny baby animals that she breastfeeds

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  7. Can Price be on the list more than once along with all the halfwits who voted her celebrity mother of the year for the SECOND time!
    I see you didn't run with my MILTGOAF. Sniff.

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    Replies
    1. I wasn't sure it'd catch on ;-)

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  8. Ha! I'm saving MILTGOAF because it's so damn catchy.
    Pricey is the Queen of the MILPs

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  9. NOoooooo!!!!!! I forgot about her.
    And ALSOPP

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  10. Giselle Bundchen claimed giving birth doesn't hurt and took about 20 seconds. MILTP

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    Replies
    1. Probably off her tits on drugs

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  11. What about yer one from old Beverly hills 90210 tori spelling ... Shes an expert on it nowadays! And she's just so damn pretty I wanna smack her! Oh yea and Tom cruises wife ... For doing what he said about pain relief ... Muppet hence they've had no more!

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    Replies
    1. fab one x

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    2. Yep! SPELLING and HOLMES. And CRUISE too for showing off about it on Letterman. And SURI for being a future MILP

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  12. What about Jennifer Ellison- she deserves MILF surely for slashing her own head with an ice skate oucheeee and she's real in the way she sponsors plusnet 'mums moments' cause she agrees that te Internet is really useful for mums - she does her online shop at 2am cause its her only free time x

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    Replies
    1. Yes I might like her then. She's not super skinny either. APPROVED

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  13. Ha ha am loving these lists!! Jennifer Ellison is great..gone up in my estimations since she became a mum..refreshingly normal (well as normal as these showbiz types are) can I add Ruth Langford..her lad isn't very little now but she's always been lovely and honest and likes a glass of wine or three? Ta

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  14. Pink for the milf

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    Replies
    1. She's got a dog called Fucker so I can only guess at her kids name

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    2. Pink called her kid Willow. She's proper crunchy.

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  15. Bundchen. I wouldn't just punch, I'd roundhouse kick.

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  16. Mel B = MILP. No further explanation required.

    Only adding this coz Claire told me to & I'm a bit scared of her.

    And I don't know what a MILTGOAF is but worried I may be mocked for my ignorance...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucy, wish I'd thought of MEL B.
      You should be scared of her for suggesting that. Not little ol'

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    2. Me!
      Pressed send too early!

      Delete
  17. Natalie Portman MILP Claire? She dropped vegan regime for merely veggie diet during pregnancy.

    When she accepted her Best Actress Oscar earlier this year, she paid tribute to her French husband-to-be, saying: 'My beautiful love, Benjamin, who has now given me my most important role of my life.'

    I feel a bit iffy on this one!

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  18. Brilliant List!! Cracked me up. Not a big celeb watcher so all the MILP's pass me by (well you've already named the ones I'd have said). What is a MILTGOAF btw?

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  19. MILF for Sarah Beeny. 4 boys. She always looks cream crackered.

    MILP for Colleen Rooney. Fo' realz.

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  20. I'd like to add sarah cawood as a MILF , she blogs about putting on weight, wearing sloby tracksuits while pregnant, the difficulties of breastfeeding and puts pictures up of her looking just like a new mum should, knackered!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhhhh I've always liked her. APPROVED!

      Delete
  21. Jools Oliver = MILP. I read her pregnancy book just to wind myself up - knowing I already hated her and would hate it. It was pure rankness. Ugh. I just shuddered.

    Also Jessica Alba was pregnant at the same time as me and was a stark comparison to my grey jaded fat self, being all glowing and perfect. Haven't seen any recent pictures but I'm hazarding a guess that she's looking a bit better than I am right now? Bitch.

    Sara Cox as a MILF? I like her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara Cox MILF
      Courtney Cox MILP
      And don't get me started on Lady Jules of the Olivers. She winds me up a good un

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  22. Annabel Karmel. Who writes about healthy food for kids yet looks like one edamame bean would choke her!

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    Replies
    1. There's no way she looks after her kids whilst doing all that cooking

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    2. She make her own farking chicken stock, deffo has a nanny

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  23. YAY MILPS! I'm so glad you're keeping this going. It was a genius idea if I ever heard one. I've already seen some excellent suggestions in the comments. But a MILF I would think is Jennifer Garner. I read an article about her pumping in the limo on the way to the Oscars that endeared me forever to her.

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    Replies
    1. I liked her in that film Juno so I'll allow

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  24. Replies
    1. All the FRICKING Kardashians. I mean, really - who wants to keep up with them?!

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  25. Rachel ZOE who refers to her Gucci clad baby as a 'live doll'.

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    Replies
    1. I like her! And her kid's name! And I'm not being silly!

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  26. I've always wanted to punch Mariah Carey's lights out but once she pushed out twins and 'lost the weight by just swimming and walking.' my ire grew. You've had surgery biatch why not admit it? http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20588247,00.html

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    Replies
    1. So much surgery. Wish people admitted it!

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  27. I was going to write a comment on how I felt this was all a bit mean and unsisterly and shouldn't we be more concerned that women in the public eye felt the need to project this unrealistic image rather than reveal the truth, blah blah blah ... Then I re-read the names on the list. Yeah. You're right. Particularly about Klass (we had first babies at the same time, me and Myleene. A week before I was due, a plumber came to fix our washing machine and noticed I had THAT copy of Glamour [on the cover of which Myleene poses naked and preggers, a la Demi Moore]. The plumber cast an appraising glance at me and said I'd probably be about the same size, naked. Then he got on with examining the ballcock or whatever it is they do. It was embarrassing. I blame you, Myleene).

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  28. Replies
    1. The 'P' variety, btw, not the 'F' variety. Just sayin'

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  29. Hi! I work with the Brilliance in Blogging Awards and I just wanted to say… well done on being voted as a finalist!!! The finalists are listed here:
    http://www.britmumsblog.com/bib-awards/2012-bibs-finalists/

    Feel free to email me for more information :)

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    Replies
    1. I saw! So damn excited! Can't believe it. THANK YOU xxx

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  30. Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean Apple??!!!! Also she refers to normal food as 'shit', only vegan organic pure naturalist all round condescending crap!!!!! Grrrrr.

    Love list Claire..... Make me v happy!!!! xxx

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    Replies
    1. She's the Queen of the MILPs that's for sure X

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  31. I'd like to add Kym Marsh to MILFs - she tweets about Polly Pocket (ok bit dodgy) keeping her awake with teething (clearly no nanny) and being knackered. She's got a real woman's figure and has been through a rough trot. She tweeted me once too (so not remotely biased).

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  32. Miranda Kerr is a MILP, "no epidural because she didn't want to have a drugged up baby"! Oh DO feck off!

    Hilary Duff is a MILF, appeared looking relatively normal post-baby in a bikini & told everyone who slagged her off that she didn't care what they thought, huzzah!

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  33. HOUGHTON. I wouldn't mind but for the fact that she's done precisely fuck all and yet shops in better supermarkets than I do.

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  34. Funniest blog post I've read it ages. LOVE it and love that Klass is on the list - cannot abide the smarmy smugness and refusal to be real. bleeeeeuuurrggh!

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