CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Saturday 30 June 2012

Parental Guilt Syndrome

This week I have been a bit poorly. I have had what can only be described as a heavy weight hanging over me. Google had no answers, neither did NHS Direct. I have had to self-diagnose. What I have been suffering from is Parental Guilt Syndrome. Here is my explanation:

Parental Guilt Syndrome comes from a fear of not doing enough for one's children. Or when you fuck up. Mothers who are especially lazy are most likely to suffer from this. Somehow,though, these mothers still find the energy to feel guilty.

Three things happened this week:

1. I DIDN'T GO TO SPORTS DAY
Okay, in my defence sports day was rescheduled. I had planned our holiday around sports day so we'd definitely miss it. However, due to that one nice day in April being our summer, it pissed it down and was moved to this week. So I actually didn't find out until the day. It came down to a decision between Starbucks with my mate or Sport's Day...and, well, I didn't want to disappoint my friend, or my cappuccino.
My son didn't really mind - EXCEPT there was an incident (see below).

2. I THOUGHT MY SON WAS FAKING BEING ILL
My eldest can be a bit of a hypochondriac. Quite often I have to use the lines "If I don't see vomit, then you're not really sick" and "If there's no blood then you don't need a bandage." Really, I should have shares in Bandaid with the amount of plasters my children use.
The other night he was coughing and waking me up to the point where I was convinced that he was forcing the cough just so I'd sleep in his room. He was still managing to do somersaults on the trampoline at 9pm and eat 573 Oreos. But at Sports Day, he practically passed out with having trouble breathing and was a very sorry sight sat in the shade whilst everyone was doing the Three Legged Race. Or so I'm told - because I wasn't there.
I decided to take him to the doctors and, would ya believe it, he totally wasn't faking. He's developed asthma and had to go on the nebulizer plus be prescribed steroids.

3. I REFUSED TO DO CRAFTS
My toddler is obsessed with painting. The extent of craft materials I allow in the house is one 27p paint palette from Asda. It's all he wants to do at the moment but he is so rubbish at actually getting the paint on the paper plus he always knocks over the water. Yesterday I told him that the paints had run out of batteries.

I've messed up a bit, you see? I'm hoping that my kids survive being parented better than I survive doing the parenting. Maybe I'm doing my best with what I have to work with. But Parental Guilt Syndrome is a fecker. It's been weighing heavy on me.

Thank god it can be cured with a swift dose of gin.

Wednesday 20 June 2012

Mum Lies

I am not a very good liar. Not one little bit. In fact whenever I lie it's so damn obvious because I fabricate the most blown-up unbelievable stories ever. Like when I have spent £500 in one month on nothing - except there are a few new frocks in my wardrobe and my hair is lookin' good and my husband asks where all my money goes and I make up some crazy ass story about the kids needing expensive shoes and aren't school dinners very costly these days. Needless to say, I have a 100% record for being busted.
Although, saying that, my ability to lie to my children is AMAZEBALLS which is great because one of the major skills you need to be a parent is LYING. Thankfully when my brain cells diminished since having kids, my ability to lie increased.
Here's a list of my Top Five Mum Lies:

1. IN A MINUTE
I defy any mother to say that she's never used this. It's practically parenting law to use this lie every goddamn day. "In a minute" is the answer to many, many things like "Can we have sweets?", "When's dinner ready?" and "Can we do that?".

2. IT'S BROKEN
This is mostly applied to those ride-ons outside supermarkets. I don't think my children have ever encountered one that works.
"It's broken" is also great to use whenever there is a threat of crafts. Today my toddler wasn't able to paint because, hey, the paints were "broken".

3. IT'S CLOSED
Mostly applied to the ice-cream van and the park. Used frequently in the summer months.

4. THE TOOTH FAIRY IS VERY BUSY
I can remember exactly when my child benefit arrives in my account but damn it, I can never remember to put money under a pillow. It does, however, mysteriously appear in the morning when the child has popped out of bed. That tooth fairy needs a personal assitant, I tell ya.

5. IT'S THE LAW
Which is a rubbish lie that never ever works. Except when asked if they can skip school but then it's not really a lie but a useful fact when you've planned a day in front of the telly. "Go to bed, it's the law" will rarely be believed and "Eat your carrots, it's the law" will just get laughed at.

Ahhhhh also Mums lie to each other, although I don't think I've done this much. I'm the first to admit how rubbish my kids are. Yet when that new mum is bragging about her kid walking at 6 months and that other one is boasting about her kid reading at 2 years...they're lying, right? Here are my top 3 Mum to Mum lies:

1. MY CHILD SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT
Especially that fecker who reckons their newborn slept through at 3 weeks old. I appreciate some babies do sleep through early but not as early as NEWBORN, surely? Or maybe they do - because I'd have no idea since my toddler is coming up 4 and is still a rubbish sleeper.

2. MY CHILD DOESN'T WATCH TV
That's not always a lie but for the majority of mums is a laughably blatant one.

3. HE'S TIRED, HE NEVER BEHAVES LIKE THIS
Actually, I use this all the time when my toddler is being badass because, you know, he's the Golden Child who can do no wrong. And mostly, my friends are gracious enough to believe me.

So please let me know about your MUM LIES - especially if they're as good as "If you eat your bogies, you'll get worms".

Thursday 14 June 2012

The Revolting Switch

This was the conversation I had with my husband last week:

HIM: "The kids have been pretty good today, haven't they?"
ME: "Yeah, apart from when you went into the shop and they were threatening to cut off each other's body parts."

Oh how we laughed. We laughed and laughed. Until something dawned on me - The kids have got this switch that is only flicked whenever their Dad is not around. It's a switch of revolting behaviour. A Revolting Switch. They are actually quite nice ... until Daddy exits and that's when it all turns, well, their heads turn - freaking 360 degrees, totally channelling Linda Blair's famous headspin in The Exorcist.

Of course DADDY never sees it. So of course he thinks it's me. And the kids always deny such behaviour. The greatest trick my children ever pulled was convincing Daddy that the behaviour didn't exist.

So I'm on a mission. I am determined next weekend for my husband to witness The Revolting Switch. Because - yippee! - I'm off to Britmums and he's got a full 24 hours of his children without me. I figure that the kids might well be clever but they're not that clever to survive 24 hours without threatening to kill each other in a slow and painful way.
And I won't believe him. Even if they've vomited devil puke all over him.