CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Friday, 6 April 2012

Seven Days Of Special Love

So. It all started a few weeks ago when I wrote my Rules Of The Special Love post, followed by Spencer's guest blog and then a conversation with a friend. I have realised that some women HAVE SEX. Yes - they are AT IT. These women are married, have children, have jobs, in fact they have probably more on their plates than I do and yet they still have time to trim their lady carpets and shag their partners. This is the conversation with my mate:
Me: "Oh my god, on the blog a couple of people have commented that they still have loads of sex even though they've got, like, a child."
My Friend: "What do you mean? We do it at least three times a week."
She has FIVE CHILDREN. Five of the feckers! And yet she's sexing like I was in 1999.
So these bi-atches have given me food for thought. Got my love juices a-flowing. Because, well, I can bloody do this. I can be one of those women that don't even lie about their sex life because I'm going to be the best of them all! I'm going to get me SOME SEX! Ten years of marriage, three children later and I can still GET ME SOME BOOT-AH!
So this is what I decided to do. For seven days I have been determined to have sex EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT with my husband. I have been wanting to prove that there can be sex after children. That after childbirth, the 'in' door that has become an 'out' door can once again be an 'in' door. That I can have a red hot sex life without trying to get something out of it, like that dress in Monsoon (by the way, in case he's reading). And I kept a little diary, because what's actually the whole point if I can't SHARE:

SATURDAY: We have friends over. I eat three times my body weight in Chinese food. My tummy gets all funny and the bedroom gets a bit smelly. My husband mysteriously doesn't feel like it.
SUNDAY: You've got to have Sunday Morning Special Love. It's like THE LAW. In between the kids running in and out of the room we somehow manage it. It's not the Kama Sutra but it's a quickie.
MONDAY: I've bought book 2 of The Hunger Games trilogy which I'm, like, obsessed with. But my husband thinks he'll try a bit of tantric. Twenty minutes in and I'm ready to suggest he hops on doggy style so I can carry on reading.
TUESDAY: Husband comes home in a bad mood, complaining of a headache. Hey! Wait a minute...
WEDNESDAY: We have a successful takeoff and almost landing. Just as things are, errr, coming to, errr, a head, the toddler shouts "Mummy I need youuuuuu", giving an alternative meaning to the phrase "Yes Mummy's coming!!!!".
THURSDAY: I show my husband the 'come to bed' eyes to which he responds "Why are you being weird?". Mission Impossible 3 comes on the telly which he has only seen 482 times so he watches that and I go to bed.
FRIDAY: We are determined. Even though I have fifteen minutes before I meet my mate, the kids are safely downstairs watching telly so we seize the moment. Now we're very sensitive to the sound of a child on the stairs. But what we're not trained for is the sound of a child creeping up the stairs. Our kids don't do quiet. We're in the middle of a successful missionary when in bursts the 8 yr old. My husband stops, drops and rolls. "Daddy! You've got your bum in the air!" laughs our son. "Yes," says Daddy, "It was itchy so Mummy was scratching it for me."

I don't know what my little experiment has proved. It's shown that you can occasionally have decent sex after children but it requires focus, intentionality and planning. There are 300 things that impact me being in the mood for sex and lack of spontaneity is number 56. I'm hoping that by at least trying I've got a bit of my sex life back from the Maternity Ward. So go try it yourself. If it doesn't make you sexy, at least it'll make you laugh.

Love
A Person Who May Have Had Sex After Children

63 comments:

  1. Absolutely priceless, you had me in tears!

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  2. LOL
    thanks for that!
    An itchy bum, Hahaha

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    1. I couldn't have made anything better up myself!

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  3. Buahahahaha! Wednesday had me in stitches! Friday... Even better! That certainly sounds like mission(ary) impossible!!
    Brilliant! I loved it!

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    1. Thanking you. Just went out. Thought people would point and say "You've had sex!"

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  4. Man you make me laugh!! That sounds very familiar!

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  5. Methinks perhaps a catch on the door, just to stop the littlies before they come barging in (and yes we have been caught out too!!)and believe me, its MUCH worse when they are older! Try explaining to teenagers that yes, we do still do 'it' and no 'it' is not gross!

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    1. I'm dreading the teenage years! A lock would mean nothing but MORE BANGING *snigger* X

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  6. Your tweet certainly caught my eye and I'm so glad it did, I would have hated to miss this blog.I love your honesty and humour and what is life without humour? I hope you don't mind me following you.

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    1. Not at all! Thanks for reading!

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  7. Hilarious! I can count the number of times I've had sex since giving birth on two, maybe even one, hand(s). And that was two and a half years ago! Man I crave it tho!

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  8. Don't worry I am definitely not having sex that often. I try to average about once a month. Maybe.

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    1. That'll be me now for the next FIVE YEARS

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  9. Fantastic, all I can say is the more you have it the more you want it. It's just getting started in the first place!!

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    1. It's true! Although errrrr I might not want it now ;-)

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  10. Soooo funny - love the quick thinking itchy bum explanation!

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  11. Hahaaaaaas oh this made me laugh so much!!! :)

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  12. we got asked by the 9 year old once if we had finished making 'silly' noises.....

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    1. LOL, one day that 9 year old will realise exactly what the silly noises were...

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  13. 11 year old son has just asked why I'm chuckling!! This really made me laugh!

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  14. Oh my god. I have been feeling crap all day and I really needed that laugh. I have 3 kids too, and hubby and I have barely done it since number 3. I know I need to do something about my sex drive but I am just too tired. lol, Seriously though, might need to feel inspired to get serious about getting busy... But on the rare occasions when I feel like it hubby doesnt. I am sure there is an evil troll in the universe that sets about screwing it all up and then laughs.

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    1. The thought of it is worse than the act. But I can say that coz I'm off the hook now for like six months ;-)

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  15. Brilliant!

    Just stick a lock on the door

    Then stick all children under the stairs and lock it ;)

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  16. Fecking Hell, you make me laugh. Wait until they are teenagers then your pretty much buggered unless they go for a sleepover somewhere.xxxx

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  17. Haha. We are totally up for it but there is a small screaming baby who is totally aware that if she lets mummy and daddy get busy there could be an accidental third resulting in even less attention for her. So she prevents us. Sigh. (still managing ok though- if I wasn't spending so long commenting on my fave blogs and faffing on twitter I might get some more. ;))

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    1. I'm guilty of the same. And Twitter is so much more fun!

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  18. "my husband stops, drops and rolls..."- that is priceless. Thanks for the laugh! It was the perfect thing to read before another sexless night with my husband :)

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    1. I wasn't sure about the blog but I did like that line! Thanks for reading X

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  20. Love this! Made me laugh so much. The bloke isn't here tonight, so no sex for me!

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  21. Brilliant! We used to manage 7 times a night. Actually that was a one off, but certainly 7 times a week. Now it's more like once a fortnight. 3 kids, including a teen who is awake later than me and a co/adjacent sleeping baby means its opportunity that's lacking rather than desire! Might attempt a week like yours myself... Thanks for a great post! X

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    1. Seven times a night!!! Now there's a blog I'd like to read!

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  22. Oh my God... that is so funny!!!

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  23. Have you got a camera in MY house. brilliant !

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  24. Anoop Singh-Best9 April 2012 at 14:57

    Fantastic. Once a month if we're lucky but mainly due to husband being out three times a week and me working two nights.
    One word of advice... Planning.
    Great post :-)

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  25. Hah this post and experiment was amazing!
    I'm honestly thinking of giving it a shot. 7 days sounds hella tough, but maybe it's worth it. Obviously, it's worth it.

    Thanks for sharing! I'm TERRIFIED of children walking in.

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    1. B, do it then blog about it. I would love to read! X

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  26. Fecking funny - well done (mainly on the post, but also on the sex!) Just thinking about 7 days of sex is enough to bring on cystisis. Luckily Unhusband falls asleep on the sofa most nights anyway!

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  27. Oh my gods, you share my life! Except mine are all teenagers who make realllly inappropriate comments at the worst possible time, very very off putting it is.
    It was easier when they were younger lol.

    Thank you so much for writing this it has made my day <3

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  28. That is hilarious! Did you get your Monsoon dress btw?

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  29. LOL!!!!! That has to be THE BEST POST I've read in ages!!!!! :-)
    Kinda makes me miss the little adventures of being married... and well... not miss a lot the last few months where NOTHING happened... but hey... Still... LOVE it!
    tell ya what... I need to get me some sex too! Now... just need to find a partner for it...*sighs*... ;-)

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  30. Just read this to my husband in bed whilst both on computers. Hilarious! No come to bed eyes here.. he's just shown me a video of a basketball player fouling someone by giving them a wet willy and then proceeded to give me one. Seriously I live with 3 little boys!

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  31. From fun to mum18 April 2012 at 02:29

    Glad to read that you are back on great blogging shape!
    I'm catching up on some genius posts and this makes it in my top 3 of all times! Hilarious! x

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  32. Absolutely brilliant and hilarious!! Crying with laughter here. Don't worry, I don't think tht many mums have amazing sex lives - if they do, I want my money back!!

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  33. Thanks to "hearing" this at Brit Mums Live, I read it with your tone and voice AND really enjoyed it once again.
    Now I just need to take your advice not having had sex since my son was born.
    Don't ask me how old he is - no really, don't ;-)
    Liska x

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  34. Very funny and can totally relate. Thank you for your honesty and bravery- it was a brilliant and a laugh a minute read. Off to find the hubby now.LOL

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  35. Have you read this: http://nothingbythebook.com/2013/06/04/the-authoritative-new-parents-guide-to-sex-after-children-redux/ ? It changed my (sex) life, which was starting to dry up a little post-baby.

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