Saturday, 18 June 2011

Why I Am Ignoring You

I owe you an apology. I haven't been blogging. Maybe that's a good thing. Perhaps you feel a need to read my blog to atone for something. Or to check that you're not parenting as badly as me. Anyway, I'm sorry.
But it's not my fault you see.
It is because of Twitter.
It has taken over my life.
I know a lot of you don't 'get' it, but really, it's what I have always been looking for. I worship at the Church Of Twitter now. I bow at the Altar Of Tweet. I drink from the Cup Of #Hashtag.
I'll explain it: You write about stuff and you follow & are followed by people you don't know. So you end up making friends with folk you will probably never meet. Which suits me just fine because I am not as funny in real life. And I get to chat while I am wearing my comfys in bed. With bad hair. That's how I roll these days. I do not deal in real. Because if I did, my head would spin 360 degrees like Linda Blair.
Twitter has opened a new world to me. I now understand the importance of the #hashtag and why it appears on Sky News. There are millions of people tweeting. The Husband, of course, is not one of them. He hates it. He has no desire to hear about it, understand it, take interest in it. He now understands how I feel about his work.
Twitterville is also a place where paranoia doesn't exist for me, unlike the playground. I don't respond to everything and people don't have to respond to me. Except when someone 'unfollows' me - that I can't deal with. Yet it's okay for me to 'unfollow' if someone is boring or they piss me off or they go on about how they love Jesus.
Oh and a funny thing happened the other day. I wrote a bit of a cheeky tweet about Joss Stone and some random person wrote me "Shut The Fuck Up" which freaked me out for a nanosecond then I saw the humour in it. It was the best advice I've had in years (but then I quickly blocked them).
Anyway, it's interesting to see the different types of ways that people use Twitter. I, of course, am hilarious. And very good at mashing my hilarity into 140 characters.
It's like how Beyonce has Sasha Fierce or Keith from The Prodigy has Scary Man, I have created an alter-ego on Twitter with @MinistryOfMum. She is funny, quick witted and charming. Nothing like me at all. And that's precisely why I'll stick with Twitter. Because in real life I'm a bit of a Twit.

Dedicated to @The_M0therShip for ruining my marriage and probably my life


  1. Oh I think I'm immune to your proselytizing...don't get it at all!

  2. Welcome to the world of wonderful witterings... but with a 't' of course!

  3. Fran Lebowitz said: 'The telephone is a wonderful way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.' On Twitter we even pass pretend food, thus avoiding growing up.

  4. Please don't abandon FB and your blog - not all of us twitter!

  5. Good on you for the Joss Stone diss. See if that had been in my time line I'd have applauded. *cyber claps*

    I think a lot of us would relate to the "I'm much funnier on Twitter/Facebook/Blog" I think it's actually that we can unleash the real us, the pure us that gets blocked by one tiny little part of us that suddenly becomes dominant when we enter real society our insecurities.

    Oooh, not only am I occasionally witty online but I'm also incredibly wise ;)

    Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go and write a self-help ebook :D xXx