Tuesday, 6 September 2011

How To Survive The School Playground

The most essential part of your attire is Ugg boots. No matter what crappy, smelly clothes you are wearing they will always be offset by Uggs. If you really have to go to school in your pyjamas or joggers, make sure you tuck your pants into a good pair of Uggs. This post is not sponsored by Ugg Australia by the way.
Hats are good if they are stylish. Berets and flat caps will make you look crazy. Also, invest in a great winter coat preferably in a fab colour. Shades must be worn at most times, but not when it is raining as you will look like a tit.
Above all be confident in what you wear. You will be known as a Stylish Mummy and that is as important as being a Good Mummy. In my world, anyway.

Do not be tempted to make friends with the first mother that speaks to you. Chances are there is a reason why they are being friendly - they are either fundraising or have no other friends. If you immediately befriend them, once you realise that you've actually made a mistake, the fun mums will have already formed their clique to which you will never be admitted.
Stay friendly with all but keep a slight distance. True friendship will always shine through. Be warned though: The mummies you make friends with in Reception will probably be your enemies by Year 4. Sometimes it takes that long to realise that someone is a two-faced bitch.

Never ever get dragged into the Sport Of Competitive Parenting. You will never win. Do not discuss your child's achievements with anyone. Because I can guarantee their child will have done better. Or the teacher will immediately come up to you and have a word about your kid's behaviour that day. Save any bragging for that phone call to grandparents.

4. PTA
PTA is not a bad thing but do not think that it makes you important. It's great to help out at a few things but don't walk around with a clipboard and a whistle. PTA often organises fun events for parents too and if your social life is a bit crappy, a school quiz night can be a real saviour. That's how sad I am these days. And the kiddies love a summer fayre, even though you'll find that you've spent two months child benefit on the coconut shy.

Always find a fanciable Dad. Playground flirting makes the school run a bit nicer. Never overstep the mark by joking about a blow job in front of his children. It's got to be innocent and fun. Do not fantasise about him when you are having special love with your other half.

Please feel free to add to this, folks.


  1. Oh bugger. I think I may have ever so slightly failed on all 5 points. There is always next year right?

  2. *frantically noting this down for 5 years' time when Moo goes to school*

  3. Sooo funny! And such good advice!

    CJ xx

  4. Spot on - are you sure you don't live in the village up the road chin me?! x x

  5. oh god clare..I am a walking playground disaster! I am the one who ends befriending all the fundraisers and slightly odd mums!...maybe you could moonlight as a life coach..??

  6. I particular like number 5..... that one is a definite one that needs to be done. Something to look forward to in the morning...

  7. Oh dear I'm that friendly mum to new mums, I better stop doing that.

  8. A unanimous fail from me. Uggs - hideous, shades - don't own a pair. I run my kids down far more than I ever brag, got reeled in by 'that little weird woman who talks too loud and always moans about her husband. There is NO eye candy, not even if I'd had 8 pints of Stella and they told me the funniest joke EVER
    I joined the PTA only to be bossed around by the veterans and given all the shitty jobs.

    I would add, if you're prone to metamorphosis once you've had a drink, from reasonably sensible, devoted mum to howling, attention seeking outrageous flirt - do avoid those 'bonding' night's out, it'll end BADLY.

  9. Always be late, then interaction with other parents is limited.

  10. By Year 5, I have now learnt all those lessons!! And the older I get, the higher the percentage of fanciable dads...strange that!

  11. This is so true! Not sure Uggs were around when my older kids were that age, but now having to brave the same school to collect step-daughter and hate it! All the parents seem to own fancier cars while I still have the same one. You can spot the competitive mummies a mile off! Inwardly grinned though at the looks I got when IT teacher on door duty came up to me and said "SO lovely to see you Ruth" and planted a smacker on my cheek (his wife is in my book club).

    Must say though I always talk to the lost newbie mums. When I lived in London I got off on the wrong foot at one school, arriving with blue paint on my face during the first week (was doing a course in decorative painting while kids at school). One mum pointedly ignored me for a whole term despite our sons being big pals. It turned out she thought I was the nanny!

  12. Really do I have to wear Ugg boots? How do you stop a 5 year old having a tantrum at school pick up? Demands include:
    Inviting his whole class to tea
    Going to the park
    Getting sweets from one of the two shops we have to pass
    Inviting himself to someone else's house, directly to parents I don't know
    Wanting presents for being good (whilst having a tantrum)