Tuesday 27 March 2012

Co-Sleeping For Cash

My eldest son is always trying to have a sleepover in our room. In fact recently he's been offering money in return for me letting him come in. Tonight it was £50 which was his best offer yet so I've totally accepted it. My husband had a bit of a moan until I explained to him that our son has about £2000 in the bank so it's a good way to get our hands on his money. It's possibly legal too. And, you know, I need a potential source of income since I'm surviving on child benefit and husband hand outs and DAMN IT this diva needs a new summer wardrobe. A little loss of sleep is no price to pay for a few new frocks. I totally see it as a perfect supply/demand situation where everyone's a winner. He gets the sleepover and I get his cash.
Unfortunately none of this applies to the toddler. Poor third child has about £3.50 in his bank account, the grandparents being less generous as they realised that the constant supply of grandchildren could, infact, bleed them dry. And I think they got bored by the third christening which is not surprising because I totally did. Anyway, the toddler has a very high demand when it comes to sleeping in our room. He comes in every goddamn night and I get nothing in return except a kick in the head and two inches of the bed. On most nights I wake up mid sleep cycle, gripping the edge of the bed like it's the final handhold above an Everest crevice. On one hand, there are few pleasures that rank as high as snuggling up with a warm bodied little one but on the other hand a person, about a third of your size and weight, successfully completes a hostile takeover of the bed. But it's always handy if your husband has that special love twinkle in his eye. You know what though, I wouldn't mind at all if the toddler offered me the same deal as his older brother.
This won't work on my daughter - she cares not for cuddles.Which at the moment I'm thankful for as she has chickenpox. I don't fancy getting smeared with calomine lotion nor do I want to lie in a bed full of poxy scabs. However this has not deterred her from nicking money from my wallet which she's doing on a weekly basis. Last week it was a quid, this week it was a fiver. So I'm thinking that any monies I earn from my son's sleepovers are just going to end up in her pocket. Although the other night she did offer me £10 to leave her room. I'm seeing another potential source of income here.
In fact, to hell with it. I'm just going to make a Mummy Pay Scale where everyone pays me to do shit for them. Pack a lunch £2, brush hair £7 (she's a screamer), co sleep with parents £50 and up. It shouldn't take too long to get that summer wardrobe. Best Idea Ever!


  1. Brilliant as always. Love this pay scale idea, think you could be on to something there.
    Love Me

  2. I laughed out loud all the way through that. Think you should up the charge for brushing the hair though - seeing as she's a screamer! Let's see who can make the first business plan...

  3. A Mummy Rate card! Genius!
    How much for wiping a toddlers bum?

  4. From fun to mum18 April 2012 at 02:40

    I love the idea of charging my kid for things, wiping her smelly bum should be a handbag any time! Or shoes, nice shoes!
    Dealing with her tantrums has got to be worth a holiday of sort - I might talk to the husband about your theories and sig her in! She is the first and only child for both sets of grandparents, the girl is loaded!

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