Monday 12 March 2012


I had a relationship, for just over a year, with this woman who was a nurse. She was almost 6ft, obviously taller in heels, blonde and Australian. Stunning, incredibly sexy, and very relaxed about it. We went on a first date and got on well. Sushi and Japanese beer. All good. No dips in the conversation. A little bit of flirting. We said goodbye, kissed, and I put her in a taxi home. I had some work stuff to read so I decided to get the bus home.

At the bus stop I received a text. It went something like: "I have a full day off on Friday. Do you fancy meeting for lunch?" I responded with a yes and suggested somewhere. She responded quickly. The text is carved in my memory like the faces on Mount Rushmore. It read "Great. You'd better not have a large lunch as I want you to eat my pussy for desserts."

Shocked. Yes. I was convinced the whole world could read my face and I'm sure someone in Text Messaging HQ could read this too. This was 2000 and I'd only just got into the world of mobile phones, putting it off for ages and ages, but it was necessary for work, and I just couldn't get excited by them. That soon changed.

The bus arrived. I considered my response which went something like "Wow. Are you always so forward? I'll go for the salad then" I pressed send. And then thought "FUCK! I PROBABLY COME ACROSS AS SOME SEXUAL DEVIANT!"

On the bus journey home I didn't read the work documents I had in my bag. I received sext after sext telling me in great detail exactly what she had planned for Friday. I think she even included some timings, which was good of her.

During the beginning of our relationship she'd send me sex texts, sometimes 20 - 30 a day. I guess it must've been quiet on the wards where she worked. But I did wonder at the time was this a normal thing? The behaviour of a normal person? Was she a little... mentallissimo? It's not exactly the sort of conversation you have with people down the pub so finding out if this is a common thing is hard.

Sex was great. Hot and always pretty intense. But work increased in my life, and her shift patterns soon took a toll on her. Things quietened down a bit. Became less hot. This happens doesn't it? Soon the sexts stopped, and we'd meet to do other things. Cinema, which one or both of us would fall asleep in. Drinks. Where we'd go out and get a bit too drunk. And soon our 5 a day, so to speak, went down to 2 a week, then 2 a fortnight... and, well. You can guess the rest.
I'm no marriage counsellor, oh my days no, but one thing I know. Relationships can suffer through lack of the sexy time. If one partner is up for it and the other is tired, a bit drunk, or prefers watching Danish crime thrillers, or all three, then it's like you're both speaking a different sexual language. A bit like a Brit abroad trying to order some sausage from a delicatessen in Spain. I'm not sure how to get what I want but a lot of pointing and repeating certain words in a loud voice may help. Or if your other half does initiate something and you don't fancy some jiggy jiggy hokey pokey then it's a bit like trying to fight off an overly friendly octopus.

And if this is then followed by a communication breakdown, then problems manifest themselves in other ways. 'I'm not SURE WHY you put the wine glasses there, when we HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD FUCKING DRAINING BOARD!' 'Why DO YOU NEVER DEAL WITH THE RECYCLING. Ohhh fuck it, I'll just do it myself. As always, as I've done for the past 2 FUCKING YEARS.'

Depending on whether you find your partner attractive or not is always a good sign as to whether or not you can resolve the sexytime dissonance. Sometimes we find our partners physically attractive, but there are other things, if you're not getting it, that make them less attractive. Their inability to find a space in a car park, preferring to dither and drive around for about 10 minutes rather than just get stuck in. 'LOOK - THERE'S ONE OVER THERE. God, you always do this. Spend ages fannying about rather than getting stuck in when you need to.'

Issues of self-esteem play a part. I've never thought of myself as a physically attractive specimen and sometimes this has stopped me from initiating the sexytime, purely because I think to myself, 'Ohh I feel fat/hairy/smelly/depressed/achey/have a cold.' If the other person in the relationship feels the same way then? Someone's gotta take the bull by the horns.

Perhaps sending a sexty texty may help? At 3 in the afternoon when you're sitting with the kids watching Baby Jake? 'I'm thinking about you on me right now' might be one to start the ball rolling. Remind someone you want them and that might help? Dunno. I'm sure there are people who are more qualified to recommend suggestions.

Reassurance is good. You might be slobbing around in your PJ's at 11.00am on a Sunday morning, but the need to feel wanted still remains. How sexy do you feel when someone suggests getting dressed together. Or showering together. Or just taking you by the hand, kissing you, kissing your neck, and saying 'Shall we... go upstairs?' Or do the children prevent this from ever happening to you ever again?

I only ever sent her a sexy text once. I wasn't quite sure how to write such a thing and didn't totally feel comfortable but I'd had a shandy or two down the pub and so I decided to go for it. I wrote something like 'I'm thinking about fucking you, like I did last night'. I pressed send and waited for her response. It seemed to take a while. I was about to check my outbox when my phone bleeped at me. I looked in eagerness. The text is also etched on my memory. It was simply '?????????'. From my boss called Brian. I may have shit myself.

How do you keep the magic alive in your relationship? And I'm not talking rabbits from hats or a bunch of flowers from a bottle. Although if that's your thang then who am I to comment? All and any comments most welcome.

Spencer blogs at:


  1. Really funny and entertaining post! Does take effort especially when kids come along.

  2. Erm, I can't really comment, as my recent personal circumstances would suggest I have NO CLUE as how to keep the magic alive. But if I were to receive sexy texts from a potential suitor, then after blushing a lot and possibly going all wobbly, I would find it very, very hot indeed. I think. Maybe. Yeah, I would. Oh hell, I'd find being HIT IN THE FACE WITH A HADDOCK sexy. It's been a while. *sigh*

  3. Love this! No idea what the answer is but I guess "faking sexy" can make u feel "actually sexy" ! Also sexts at 3pm are good (avoid 5pm to 7pm this is commonly known as want to pull my hair out cos of the kids time) I also made the same mistake the first (and last) time I tried this and my best friend (luckily not my boss) still thinks I'm this sexpot housewife!

  4. thank you for the morning laugh... oh god, there's nothing quite like that sinking feeling when you realise that you have sent a text to the wrong person either. love your work! :)

  5. I fancy the pants of my husband - everynight when I see he walking down the path I think I'm going to get myself some of that! The feeling is mutual I'm pleased to say - we have been together 12 years married 3 - have 3 children 8.6 and 2 (Who still wakes me up 3/4 x a night)but I just love having sex with my husband. We normally manage 3 x a week - and if on the rare occasion it drops to once a week we'll having a chat about it! we've always had an active sex life. We have very traditional roles though - he goes out to work I take care of the house. I don't get bored or feel resentful about shit that doesn't matter. He appreciates all I do and I do him. The roles are well defined and we like it like that. So there's no he/she hasn't done this and all that bitterness and battle of the sexes going on. It works for us! Great honest post!

  6. Excellent post, have enjoyed reading. I love the wording of 'sexytime'. Just the word makes me all giggly - yes I am such a girl!

    Mich x

  7. Really need it to read this! It happens to forget the sexy time when married and kids...we send each other sexy things every now and then...but soon after the routine comes back...and it doesn't help tht we live in 1 bed apartment :( who knows we might survive or we might not...

  8. That's Aussies for you!!! I have no sexytime in my life unfortunately, and it's a real shame as I quite enjoy it! Your right a little cheeky text is a great ego boost, puts a little spring in your step and let's you know someone's thinking of you and you're desirable!!

  9. My husband and & have been married almost 25yrs, together 29, no sexting, well he doesn't have a cell phone and if he did I would probably laugh. Laughter and communication has kept has together. Oh, and he is great in bed!

  10. My husband is still too traumatised after sending 'I love you' to one of his football coaches. I don't think he will ever send another intimate text ever again!

  11. My husband and I regularly send one another filthy text messages. Seemed ideal considering he refuses to risk writing such things using his work email. Then our 8YO read one of his texts... hmmm...