My (not very interesting) Week In Pictures

There is an article in The Observer Magazine entitled "My Week In Pictures" which is basically a photo journal with commentary shared by interesting/famous people like Edith Bowman, radio DJ and James Blunt, singer songwriter. It has caught my attention because I think it exists solely to make my life feel smaller and less interesting than it already is. So this is what I am going to do. I have been taking pics throughout the past week and I am going to emulate "My Week In Pictures" as follows, just to show that I too can be cultured, influential and worldly.

MY WEEK IN PICTURES

Claire Smith, Stay At Home Mum & Blogger

The Tweenager decided to watch a movie, this was his way of looking through and seeing what we have on DVD.

My latest crush. Seriously. Yes it's Rich from Imagination Movers.
I aspire to shag blokes from kids TV programmes. This is how high I set my sights these days.

I lost my tweezers and there is only one place to go when things go missing - The Tomboy's room. This is what else I found under her pillow, in her duvet and stuffed in socks.

I thought it might be fun for the kids to give me a list of what's good about mummy and what's bad about mummy. This is all they could come up with.

The Toddler's favourite pastime this week has been climbing up on the worktops and sitting on the breadbin. Beats taking him to a Toddler Group.

This week I have been mostly eating a combination of these fine foods. They make up my five a day.

I found this book in an old suitcase. It was given to me on my graduation. Funny though, Dr Seuss seems to have omitted the page which says "You will stay home and do nothing all day, you'll look after a Toddler and wish you could run away. Your brain will be dead, your conversation a bore, some days you will want to punch through a door".

I'm considering submitting it to The Observer. There must be somebody there who can relate to me. Then again, maybe not.

The United Nations, Obama And Me

There is a situation in Libya at the moment which I don't really know much about. I'm more into watching the news on MTV.
However since I wrote my last blog about The Husband's intentions during The Telling Off being classified information, I have been giving Libya some thought. After consideration, I'd like to draw an analogy with the Libyan situation, the United Nations and me.
At the moment, the Americans and the British want to impose sanctions against Gaddafi but the general feeling is that it should come from the United Nations and not from Obama. The analogy is that The Husband is Obama, I am Gaddafi and my friends are the United Nations. It works this way - when The Husband is in Telling Off Mode and wants to impose sanctions on me, he attempts to rally my friends into backing him up so they are a united community against me. He wants them to put pressure on me so that I will bow to him and stop my atrocities.
Of course what happens is that he can't really impose sanctions until he has got all members of my United Nations on his side. But there are Claire Smith supporters, in the same way there are Gaddafi supporters, and there is not a no fly zone on me.
For example, my friend who I will refer to as the equivalent of Kofi Annan, is a sometime supporter of The Husband however she has a situation going on in her own small country regarding dog poo in the garden. Where she agrees with me in some respects, she cannot condone my other atrocious behaviours. (Although I've seen her spend much of the United Nations money in Next). My friend has pointed out that Gaddafi, when interviewed and challenged, denies everything. Which is exactly what I do when confronted by The Husband. Like Gaddafi, I live in a delusional world where I have no protesters or uprising.
I'm hoping, as I'm sure that Gaddafi is, that enough support won't be generated and I can carry on running my regime.


Note: Assistant Political Correspondent on this article was Mrs C Morgan.

Ministry Of Mum at DEFCON One

There is something which exists alongside The Talk and it is called The Telling Off. It doesn't happen as often as The Talk but it is a much more powerful force.
The United States Armed Forces use a warning system called DEFCON for states of alert. It is controlled by The President, but in our house it is controlled by The Husband. DEFCON 5 is the least severe and DEFCON 1 is the most severe. I'll explain:

DEFCON 5: Dog poo has been found in the garden.
DEFCON 4: The Toddler has been allowed to eat his dinner while riding his bike.
DEFCON 3: The Tweenager has spent eight hours on the computer.
DEFCON 2: "Get a job? How is that even possible?".
DEFCON 1: I have managed to spend £500 in two weeks on absolutely nothing.

It usually takes about fifteen minutes to get from 5 to 1 by which time I have no idea what has just happened except I have been given a serious ticking off. The Husband's intentions remain classified.

I've been thinking about this because for the past week or so The Husband has been cross - really cross. I know he is having a hard time at work (well, I think he is having a hard time at work, I haven't asked and even if I did ask I wouldn't stick around to wait for the answer). His work stress is becoming all mixed up with home stress. He has had to fire someone which I don't think he minds because it makes him feel important, but he really wishes he could fire me. For gross misconduct probably.
He says I am "treading water". I say "I have no idea what that means, darling". He wants me to come up with A Long Term Plan of where I am heading, which DOES NOT include Starbucks.
The Telling Off is horrible because at least with The Talk he is very gentle in his approach. The Telling Off is downright abusive and I am not allowed to argue. The Husband has a scary face and can twist&turn words in a way that I end up tongue tied, apologising to him for being a Bad Girl.
The Telling Off exists only to make me feel really really rubbish about myself and that I am wasting my life. Which I am, but The Husband isn't supposed to comment on that.
I write this as a Cry For Help because I know The Telling Off is due very very soon. There are poos in the garden, shepherds pie on the carpet and I seem to be mysteriously 300quid down. Ministry Of Mum is at DEFCON 1 - war is imminent.