Thursday, 5 April 2012
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Five Things I Am Going To Teach My Daughter
1. CHILDBIRTH IS HORRENDOUS
There is no way I am going to pussyfoot around when she's pregnant. I will tell her all the stories that I've heard plus what happened to me. Especially with her birth - no pain relief, I moo'd like a cow and poo'd like, well, a cow. None of this "It's natural just go with it" crap. And I will also tell her that you DO NOT FORGET - in fact I know that when I've got trapped wind it's nothing like the pain of those contractions. Oh and her younger brother's head got stuck in such a way that for about ten minutes I was a human with a human head hanging out of my punani with my husband looking on and wondering how he was ever going to have sex with me again.
2. HOW TO MAKE A GREAT G&T
With this ability, women will want to be her friend. Plus men will want to get in her pants when she's had one too many. And hell, when I'm crippled with old age she can rig up my IV with her great tasting G&T.
3. WHITE LIES
Any girl with a husband and/or children knows that it is very important to be able to tell white lies. I'm talkin' the kind of lies that get you out of trouble - and if this includes a WHOPPER then so be it. It is essential, especially if she shares a bank account with her husband or she becomes a Stay At Home Mum, to always be able to explain where the new frock came from and why her hair is suddenly coloured & cut. Various visits to Cafe Rouge, Starbucks and Costa also need to be explained away in such a manner that her partner can't tell she is fibbing. There must also be a white lie ready for when she doesn't fancy the special love but needs an excuse.
4. HOW TO SQUEEZE SPOTS AND PLUCK CHIN HAIR
Ya know, once she gets older this is going to be almost a daily routine for her. And I need somebody to sort me out when I'm in the old folks home or if I lapse into a coma. This routine may also include nipple hair.
5. FAKE ORGASM
This is one of the most important life skills. I'm hoping that she sleeps with many people before she gets married but unfortunately some of those people will be the result of her great G&T (see above). So she needs to know how to fake a big one. Or a little one. And even multiples. Because let's face it, men can't tell the difference. And if Meg Ryan can do it, then the offspring of an EXPERT (me) certainly can.
What important skills are you wanting to pass onto your children?
There is no way I am going to pussyfoot around when she's pregnant. I will tell her all the stories that I've heard plus what happened to me. Especially with her birth - no pain relief, I moo'd like a cow and poo'd like, well, a cow. None of this "It's natural just go with it" crap. And I will also tell her that you DO NOT FORGET - in fact I know that when I've got trapped wind it's nothing like the pain of those contractions. Oh and her younger brother's head got stuck in such a way that for about ten minutes I was a human with a human head hanging out of my punani with my husband looking on and wondering how he was ever going to have sex with me again.
2. HOW TO MAKE A GREAT G&T
With this ability, women will want to be her friend. Plus men will want to get in her pants when she's had one too many. And hell, when I'm crippled with old age she can rig up my IV with her great tasting G&T.
3. WHITE LIES
Any girl with a husband and/or children knows that it is very important to be able to tell white lies. I'm talkin' the kind of lies that get you out of trouble - and if this includes a WHOPPER then so be it. It is essential, especially if she shares a bank account with her husband or she becomes a Stay At Home Mum, to always be able to explain where the new frock came from and why her hair is suddenly coloured & cut. Various visits to Cafe Rouge, Starbucks and Costa also need to be explained away in such a manner that her partner can't tell she is fibbing. There must also be a white lie ready for when she doesn't fancy the special love but needs an excuse.
4. HOW TO SQUEEZE SPOTS AND PLUCK CHIN HAIR
Ya know, once she gets older this is going to be almost a daily routine for her. And I need somebody to sort me out when I'm in the old folks home or if I lapse into a coma. This routine may also include nipple hair.
5. FAKE ORGASM
This is one of the most important life skills. I'm hoping that she sleeps with many people before she gets married but unfortunately some of those people will be the result of her great G&T (see above). So she needs to know how to fake a big one. Or a little one. And even multiples. Because let's face it, men can't tell the difference. And if Meg Ryan can do it, then the offspring of an EXPERT (me) certainly can.
What important skills are you wanting to pass onto your children?
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Vote For Me!
Somehow I've been nominated for a BritMums Brilliance In Blogging Award. I can't believe it because I'm a lazy fecker when it comes to my blog. But I'm hoping somewhere out there Quality might overrule Quantity - at least I'm telling myself this.
Now I don't really like asking for anything. I've had a couple of days of panic about asking you guys to vote for me. This is the conversation with my husband:
Me: "I don't want to ask anyone."
My Husband: "Oh grow up. You've got to be in it to win it."
Me: "But it's hassle for people."
My Husband: "Well, you snooze you lose."
So..as well as exposing him as a WANKER, I'm asking you to vote for me in the LAUGH category. I'm Number Ten: Ministry Of Mum, if you can be arsed.
I'm also hoping it will get the exposure I need to get me a job as a crime show corpse - hell, you never know where an agent might be looking. I've also heard that Gwynnie Paltrow is shortlisted, the FECKER. And I rarely ask you to do anything, but let's face it...I'm sometimes funny and this could get me on a crime show as a corpse and that's all I want. Well, I also want to see a real unicorn, visit Japan, eat Walkers Crisps without getting fat and spank Kevin Spacey.
I'm not much for contests and I don't plan to be in the future, but your support so far has been brilliant and I even blogged today. And after this I'm not doing any contests for a LONG FECKING TIME. The self promotion makes me feel like a cat, saying "Hello" by sticking my bum in your face. Meh! But still...vote if you can.
I'm also really hoping that it gives me a new excuse to do NOTHING all day. Like I used to say "But I've just had a baby". I can now say "But I'm shortlisted for an award" and that's why I've not cleaned or cooked dinner or bought goddamn milk.
So here's the link and I'll also post a badge as soon as I've got my head round the technology. I'm Number Ten in the LAUGH category - Ministry Of Mum:
http://www.britmumsblog.com/bib-awards/
OH HERE IT IS! HERE'S THE BADGE:
Now I don't really like asking for anything. I've had a couple of days of panic about asking you guys to vote for me. This is the conversation with my husband:
Me: "I don't want to ask anyone."
My Husband: "Oh grow up. You've got to be in it to win it."
Me: "But it's hassle for people."
My Husband: "Well, you snooze you lose."
So..as well as exposing him as a WANKER, I'm asking you to vote for me in the LAUGH category. I'm Number Ten: Ministry Of Mum, if you can be arsed.
I'm also hoping it will get the exposure I need to get me a job as a crime show corpse - hell, you never know where an agent might be looking. I've also heard that Gwynnie Paltrow is shortlisted, the FECKER. And I rarely ask you to do anything, but let's face it...I'm sometimes funny and this could get me on a crime show as a corpse and that's all I want. Well, I also want to see a real unicorn, visit Japan, eat Walkers Crisps without getting fat and spank Kevin Spacey.
I'm not much for contests and I don't plan to be in the future, but your support so far has been brilliant and I even blogged today. And after this I'm not doing any contests for a LONG FECKING TIME. The self promotion makes me feel like a cat, saying "Hello" by sticking my bum in your face. Meh! But still...vote if you can.
I'm also really hoping that it gives me a new excuse to do NOTHING all day. Like I used to say "But I've just had a baby". I can now say "But I'm shortlisted for an award" and that's why I've not cleaned or cooked dinner or bought goddamn milk.
So here's the link and I'll also post a badge as soon as I've got my head round the technology. I'm Number Ten in the LAUGH category - Ministry Of Mum:
http://www.britmumsblog.com/bib-awards/
OH HERE IT IS! HERE'S THE BADGE:
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