1. Don't change another child's nappy - guaranteed to make you heave.
2. Always play at another person's house so you don't have to clear up the mess.
3. Avoid Toddler groups at all costs and all child-related conversations.
4. Always blame the other child even though you saw your kid pinching and biting.
5. Do not get involved with competitive parents, especially the type that say their three year old is into the pre-raphaelites.
6. Chose your friends carefully. The mums in the playground are just there to play on your paranoia.
7. Figure out which of your children is easiest to ignore especially if you have three or more.
8. Have a dad in the playground that you fancy, brightens up a dull day.
9. McDonald's is GOOD. Ronald McDonald is your FRIEND.
10. Do not help out another family. If you don't like your own kids, you'll be tempted to steal one of theirs.