CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Five Things I Am Going To Teach My Daughter

1. CHILDBIRTH IS HORRENDOUS
There is no way I am going to pussyfoot around when she's pregnant. I will tell her all the stories that I've heard plus what happened to me. Especially with her birth - no pain relief, I moo'd like a cow and poo'd like, well, a cow. None of this "It's natural just go with it" crap. And I will also tell her that you DO NOT FORGET - in fact I know that when I've got trapped wind it's nothing like the pain of those contractions. Oh and her younger brother's head got stuck in such a way that for about ten minutes I was a human with a human head hanging out of my punani with my husband looking on and wondering how he was ever going to have sex with me again.

2. HOW TO MAKE A GREAT G&T
With this ability, women will want to be her friend. Plus men will want to get in her pants when she's had one too many. And hell, when I'm crippled with old age she can rig up my IV with her great tasting G&T.

3. WHITE LIES
Any girl with a husband and/or children knows that it is very important to be able to tell white lies. I'm talkin' the kind of lies that get you out of trouble - and if this includes a WHOPPER then so be it. It is essential, especially if she shares a bank account with her husband or she becomes a Stay At Home Mum, to always be able to explain where the new frock came from and why her hair is suddenly coloured & cut. Various visits to Cafe Rouge, Starbucks and Costa also need to be explained away in such a manner that her partner can't tell she is fibbing. There must also be a white lie ready for when she doesn't fancy the special love but needs an excuse.

4. HOW TO SQUEEZE SPOTS AND PLUCK CHIN HAIR
Ya know, once she gets older this is going to be almost a daily routine for her. And I need somebody to sort me out when I'm in the old folks home or if I lapse into a coma. This routine may also include nipple hair.

5. FAKE ORGASM
This is one of the most important life skills. I'm hoping that she sleeps with many people before she gets married but unfortunately some of those people will be the result of her great G&T (see above). So she needs to know how to fake a big one. Or a little one. And even multiples. Because let's face it, men can't tell the difference. And if Meg Ryan can do it, then the offspring of an EXPERT (me) certainly can.

What important skills are you wanting to pass onto your children?

12 comments:

  1. *snorts* I'm just going to point my caught in your direction. Not today though, she's only 5 x x
    (I love that you've blogged twice in two days!)

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  2. Mine's only 7! I thinking when she's 16 but by then I'll have forgotten about my blog x

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  3. You are so funny, happily reading this out loud to the hubby and am now having to explain number 5. Whoops. Xxx

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  4. This is a great list. So great I may have to steal it.

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  5. i want to teach my daughter how to (try) and love/like her mother-in-law. trouble is, that one is still and work in progress for me and likely to be for some time x : )

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  6. love love love it, laughing my head off :D

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  7. I will definitely be teaching the Princess to always wax and never shave, match her knickers with her bra 'cause you never know, get her man to pay for everything, always buy quality handbags, remember to care for her mother in her old age, give her mother great presents on a regular basis, moisturise, learn to walk in heels (and teach me) and to give me all her easter eggs starting next week.

    Comic blogging genius and so glad you are.. well.. actually blogging x

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  8. Oh you are priceless!

    I have told all 3 of my children, that childbirth is horrendous and that an epidural is very important. In regards to chin hairs, my eldest has said she will pluck the chin hairs for me!

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  9. Classic you. You're like a bus! Wait for ages then three (posts) come along at once! Always worth the wait tho!

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  10. That was freaking hilarious!

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  11. Is it so wrong to fake an orgasm before penetration?

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