Tuesday 22 June 2010

The Anti-Crafts Mum

Here are a few reasons why I hate arts & crafts.
1) Crafts are messy
Glitter was clearly invented by a man or a woman with a cleaner. I won't even discuss the messiness of paint or the downsides of play-doh (ahhh maybe this is why Homer Simpson uses Doh! as a swear word). And what is it that tiny hands must cut tiny pieces? And children only ever clean up a tenth of the mess.
2) My finger dexterity is crap
I could never be a surgeon. For me, threading a needle is a whole days work. When my necklaces (usually a string of thick beads) get in a mess, I cannot for the life of me untangle the knots. I have the finger dexterity of a Muppet.
3) Crafts are never age appropriate
Why is it that kids are never into making stuff that they can do independently? For her fifth birthday, The Tomboy received Hama Beads and a Make A Mobile kit. My children always start the crafts then there are cries of "Mummy I need you!" which ensures I spend the next two hours swearing and getting myself in a right muddle. I'm 41 and can't make these bloody things.
4) Memories of sewing at school
I was the only kid in my class who could never finish the little dress for dolly or the embroidered handkerchief for mothers day.
5) Other kids will always produce something better
My kids are not talented at arts and crafts. If they were then maybe I would be encouraged to do more with them. But the pictures they draw and the paper dolls they make are rubbish. They are, however, very good at stabbing each other with scissors.

Oh, my dear children, I apologise for never doing crafts with you. Add it to your list of things to discuss with your adult therapists.


  1. Could not agree more!

  2. Craft with kids should only ever be attempted in one of those public loos with a timer and a self-washing facility. That way, the craft is confined to a small enclosed space, lasts no longer than ten minutes and on exit, the whole goddamn lot is sluiced away with high pressure jet washers. I am thinking of installing one in the house and calling it the playroom.