CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Wednesday 28 September 2011

Rules Of The Special Love

Let's face it - sometimes us mothers don't feel like it. The kids have been hyper, the kids have been clingy, the kids in general...can often stop sexual desire dead in its tracks. Men do not see it this way. If you are a) AWAKE and b) ALIVE then they don't see why their needs cannot be met. Unfortunately there are certain occasions that raise their frisky heads like birthdays and anniversaries. Today is my wedding anniversary so I know the time is coming. As soon as The Husband tires of his laptop, he'll cuddle up close and make his move. I can't get out of it because whatdoyaknow we've got to rekindle our LOVE and celebrate nine *cough* wonderful *cough* years together. Avoidance is NOT AN OPTION, so instead I am referring to my (made up) book of Rules Of The Special Love:

1) Missionary only. To avoid any seizing up of muscles from unnatural poses and to enable over-the-shoulder facebooking and tweeting.
2) Definitely no doggy style because, I don't know what's happened but since turning 40 I'm getting more wind.
3) Never do it naked. (Although him seeing me naked might be a great avoidance tactic). Up the knicker leg is the best option plus you get a 'no need to wax' bonus.
4) No snogging and definitely no nipple foreplay. These boobies became the property of our children years ago.
5) Time slot of ten minutes. No negotiation. This may be extended to fifteen minutes if VERY special occasion where I have received bling, but only at my discretion.
6) NEVER ask me to shave or wax - this will only give off the impression that I want it more.
7) No role playing. Unless it involves sitting around watching crap telly.
8) Facial hair is illegal. If I'm putting out, then the least you can do is shave.
9) Sex toys are not an option. I only have that vibrator to keep The Toddler amused while I'm straightening my hair.
10) If I'm really having to do it, then I want at least two orgasms.

Husband - if you abide by these Golden Rules then you might find that I am more willing to engage. I might let it happen at Christmas too.

28 comments:

  1. Spoons is always a good call as you can be there without being there (especially if your other half thinks it's cool to pretend you're asleep!!!). Ahem.

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  2. I LOVE this!!!

    So, so true!! :D

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  3. *Printing this out and leaving it casually lying about in the bedroom*
    Thank you x

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  4. And if he starts it, he has to clean up afterwards. Leaving the smell if wet wipes to remind you of pooey bums. Just me?.

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  5. Am I the only person with a man who can take it or leave while I would happily do it daily!

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  6. Some questions:
    a) what is doggy style?
    b) what is foreplay?
    and c) what is sex toys?

    Otherwise, I hear ya, sistah!

    (PS I'm joking. I totally know what foreplay is. That's when they give you biscuits, yeah?)

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  7. I totally love you, I completely believe in these special love rules. If only husbands felt the same way. In fact last time I had sex was on my husband's birthday ... mmm.. four months ago!

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  8. This is the first blog of yours that I have read and it is brilliant! I can so relate to this - I seem to have one golden rule, no not in a million years! Really funny, thank you

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  9. :lol: So, so true. Brilliant post, thank-you!

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  10. LMAO brilliant! Just caused major spitting of tea over laptop though....bugger

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  11. Oh, funny. I'd have so much more sex if these ground rules were in place chez moi. I'd love to feel differently about the whole thing, truly I'd love to be positively tigerous (new word) about it, but hey - I'm not. So there.
    A well-put blog indeed.

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  12. So funny!! No. 1 reeled me in. And yeah, my babies got my boobies too.

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  13. I am liking your blog. A lot! This really has me chuckling.
    Off to check out your other posts. Enjoy your break.

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  14. I've always understood that marital intimacy meant watching 'Rev' together under a sofa rug.

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  15. Sadly this is spot on.
    I also request lights off and to be able to put my pyjamas back on straight away afterwards - don't like a draught! So sexy.

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  16. so so true, and like MJ need pj's back on ASAP!

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  17. Haha LOVE it! Im just entering this type of 'special love' stage in our relationship, as only been with the OH just over 4 years! Can relate to most, but still doing the good old doggy position.... and I broke the vibrator not my 2 yr old! *sobs* Just LOVE reading your blogs and tweets! Your amaze :-)

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  18. I'm actually crying from laughing X

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  19. This is one of my favourite all time posts. I read it pretty early in my blogging / Twitter foray and wondered what on earth I had let myself in for! Classic, Claire and many congrats on making the BritMums finals - thoroughly deserved. :)

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  20. Chortlesome in the extreme! Personally speaking, I can only be persuaded to do it on a Sunday evening. And then only after being allowed to watch Downton Abbey (or similar) to get me in the mood. Wahey. :)

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  21. And this Men is why

    A. You should never get married
    B. you should never have kids
    C. If you do get married, follow the French example and have a mistress for the sex bit.

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  22. Now that I have stopped chuckling, I can tell you that this article should be made compulsory reading for a) all teenagers (best fucking contraception in the world)and b) Brides and grooms before exchanging vows at a wedding; if he can still say 'I do' after that, you know he's a keeper!

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  23. Thanks so much for reading this at Britmums--I was cracking up along with everyone. It was so funny! :)

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