The Kind Of Parents We Are

I'm really lucky that lots of people identify with this blog. But I'm even luckier that they admit to it. Often I get comments from relieved parents who are usually being very hard on themselves, think they're rubbish and, well, feel a bit alone. Especially when there are Supermummys everywhere who make us feel crap. Yeah here's looking at you, Gwynnie.
So I've done a little survey and I'm hoping that these admissions strike a chord - especially with the mummies out there who are having a bad day. And hopefully make you feel a bit better because YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

These are the answers I got to my question: "What kind of a parent are you?":

1. Drunk, impatient and I also spoil them.
2. Make it up as I go along.
3. Exhausted and short-tempered.
4. Tired, frustrated, proud and hope to hell I can pay for their therapy to correct what I get wrong.
5. Learning as I go along, making lots of mistakes, but sometimes strike lucky and get it right.
6. Not just here all week but here for the rest of my miserable downtrodden days.
7. The kind of parent for whom choosing which to save in a fall between the iPad and the child is like Sophie's choice.
8. An exhausted one who uses Cbeebies to fill the last hour of the day.
9. Easily irritated and prone to bribery.
10. I'm the kind of parent who dettol wipes a highchair in a cafe but brushes mouldy food off the one at home.
11. An exhausted one who feels guilty over working full time and not always being able to leave it at the door when I get home.
12. Always there. But not always there.
13. A guilty one.
14. I throw out their stuff then lie about where it is.
15. Disorganised and impatient.
16. Shite, most days, well that's how I feel.
17. The kind who ends a temper tantrum by stuffing child with Cheerios.
18. One that hangs in there, dragged along on the coattails of growth spurts, tantrums and giggles.
19. An okay, let's hope this works type of parent.
20. A busy one with a mixture of fairness, grumpiness, kindness and fun.
21. A mostly horizontal one.
22. A lazy, skint motivator.
23. An anything for a quiet life one.
24. I'm an irresponsible one with a pinch of clueless.
25. Still in training after 27 years.
26. I'm the parent who eats chocolate cake with her kid for breakfast, hates the playground and dances the stress away at night.
27. Rubbish first time round.
28. Tired, drunk, fed-up, proud, happy or working.
29. A haphazard, stresshead, lazy, inconsistent and tired one.
30. Right now, I'm the type of parent who's supervising her kids bathtime with a glass of wine in her hand.

Please feel free to add to this list! x

Getting My Own Back

Last night I cooked spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. The kids always eat it up and therefore I feel like I've at least fed them something apart from McDonalds. I cooked the same spaghetti with the same sauce and the same ingredients that I've been doing for the past hundred years. This was their reaction:
"It's dis-ggggusting!"
"What is this???"
"YUK!"
IT WAS EXACTLY THE SAME SPAGHETTI BOLOGNAISE AS EVERY GODDAMN TIME BEFORE.
I despair.

So it got me thinking. The only way I'm ever going to get my own back on these kids is when I'm old and the opportunities will hopefully present themselves. There is definitely a list of things that I wouldn't do now but am looking forward to participating in when I'm about 80. Ever since I became a mother, I've become so ridiculously responsible in my actions that I'll be gagging for an occasional release in the other direction. This behaviour, when I'm a golden girl, is my promise to myself to catch up on all the stupid, socially gross and self-destructive things that I'm not doing now and, well, it keeps me going. Especially when my kids are pissing me off.

I have no bucket list of mystical places or extreme sports. My list is of stupid and perhaps illegal things that I'd never get away with as a parent of young children without social services getting involved.

FOR EXAMPLE:

Doing drugs is high on the list. It's been over decade since I did any kind of illegal substances. Except after my C section when I realised what prescription painkillers can do if you're taking too many when you don't actually need them. And when I'm in my 80s I will want to feel like that all the time.
Realistically I'll have to practice in moderation in case of grandchildren but hopefully I'll be able to indulge when they go home and I'm left alone in my retirement apartment. Even if it's just snorting vodka.

Wearing pyjamas everywhere is another must. At the moment I try and make an effort on my trips to & from the schoolyard and Asda. But since getting a dog I've been letting myself go a little and I plan to go the full way when I'm older. And I'm definitely wearing a visor with wraparound sunglasses.

Refuse to get in/out of my wheelchair. So these bloody kids will pay for all the time wasted trying to force them into the buggy and carseat.

Soil my incontinence pants at inopportune moments. That'll teach my toddler for always wanting to poo just as we're leaving for school.

And finally, be very very fussy about food even if I'm being liquid fed. And projectile vomit anything green.

I can't wait. I'll be fun again. And my kids will realise the many pains they've put me through. Only another thirty odd years to go...

Why I'm Not An Olympic Torchbearer

So we went to see the Olympic Torch in Stevenage today and it was great. The kids behaved, there were no embarrassing moments and the people stood next to us seemed to be having a great time too which is usually unheard of. I even had enough money left over from my child benefit to buy them all a flag, which they miraculously didn't whack each other with.

When we got back, I googled the torchbearers especially as I'd talked to one of their mums and said "You must be very proud" without a hint of sarcasm (also unheard of). But instead of inspiring me, it made me feel a bit depressed because, well, the four that I read about were these incredible people who had accomplished things against all the odds, been pillars of the community and were doing these amazing acts. While I sit and watch TV. It depressed me because I realised that, compared to them, I actually do feck all. I haven't beaten illness to then win a gold medal, I haven't encouraged deprived children to follow their dreams and I certainly haven't given up all my spare time to work at a centre for the homeless. But, you know what, we're all different innit. So I've been thinking about what my accomplishments are and although I'm not worthy of being an Olympic Torchbearer, well, it's made me not be so hard on myself.

1. I get three children ready, in the car and to three different schools without never ever being late. Even though, against the odds, I have spent 20 minutes on Twitter and I'm running dangerously low in petrol.

2. I have survived numerous school holidays without hardly even drinking during the day. And, in this spare time, I have encouraged my children to watch TV.

3. I try to be a nice person and will always help a friend out if it means looking after their dog, buying them ciggies or making them a G&T. And I rarely leave a text or tweet unanswered.

4. Quite often I cook my husband dinner to ensure he is fed and watered after a hard day in the office. Okay, so this is usually leftovers from the kid's dinner but, hey, you can't knock a bit of good food when you're starving.

5. On occasion I have been known to wear a nice outfit. Which totally inspires those mothers around me to think about getting out of their joggers.

And for anybody reading this who was a Torchbearer, well, I took three children and their mate to see the torch, in the pissing rain, got them to behave and didn't even lose one not even for a second. Which in itself is a super duper accomplishment which I'd like to see you try, especially with my kids.

Excuse me whilst I carry this lighter around my living room.