CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Friday, 11 May 2012

Bored

I'm bored.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not bored of social networking, I'm not bored of coffee with mates, hell I'm not even bored of gin. I'm bored of fricking Motherhood. It's tiring, it's constant and it's dull. The kids are arguing so much at the moment that I'm not even bothered about who did what and who looked at whom. It's not justice I'm interested in - it's peace and quiet. So I've been thinking about getting a job so I can have a little break. But it's not that easy.

The thing is, when you've not got family nearby, childcare don't come for free. And I'd need to earn a decent amount to pay for childcare. Which would probably cost me three times the amount that the provider normally charges because, I'm not even kidding, my kids are crazy bad ass.

My day reeks of groundhog: get woken early, fight them to get ready for school, drive around like a manic, read The Hungry Frigging Caterpillar, attempt to sort out their arguments, bribe the kids to sleep.

Now I've seen in magazines that some mums work, have successful careers, a great family life and are in total control. They look amazing, balance everything perfectly and still feel like going out and doing special love. Well I'll let you into a secret - THEY HAVE A NANNY. And I would kill for a nanny - even if she chain smoked, wore my clothes, stole loo roll and ran up a long distance phone bill.

My husband, bless him, has suggested that I get a night job stacking shelves at Aldi or Poundland. He didn't even mention John Lewis. But a night job would mean that the groundhog day as described would remain exactly the same except the part where I sleep would be replaced with me going out to work. (Note: I know a couple of fabulous mums who do this and are truely wonderful, far better creatures than I ever hope to be and are clearly far less selfish). So I always come up with reasons like who sorts the kids and what if they're ill, which my husband says are excuses but funny how the answer to these kind of questions is always ME.

However, as you might have guessed, my husband's not tolerating me at the moment. He has introduced something far more scarier than the special love. It is worthy of a Stephen King title so I shall call it The Talk.

The Talk is when he catches me unawares and starts quizzing me about what I'm doing in life, why I'm always moaning, when am I going to sort myself out and what the hell am I spending his money on. My husband is not interested in my crappy answers. He does not see that it is hard enough just being me. He cares not for my Twitter account or my blog.

The Talk comes when I least expect it. Like when I am sat drinking a coffee or watching Made In Chelsea and most of all when I'm sending a text. The Talk always starts the same way. His tone is softly softly as he says "So, have you been thinking about what you're doing?" At which point I feel a cold shiver down my back and realise there is no way to escape and believe me, I have tried but not even the special love can stop The Talk.

Oh my husband is good. He is very good. He can find faults and loopholes in everything I say. So much so that even the kids are thinking I should go back to work. And damn that survey that said children are not effected by a mother who works.

The Talk almost always ends in tears. I have been cross examined and objected to within an inch of my life. My tears are tears of gratitude that it is over. I am a victim of The Talk Syndrome which resembles Stockholm Syndrome in that I am in love with my captor and express positive feelings towards him that are so crazy in light of the trauma he has put me through. When he is not giving me The Talk, I mistake his other words as an act of kindness.

So here it is. This is what I'm looking for:
A part time job please. Three days a week that fits around school holidays and hours. That provides a nanny (free). Salary of £50k. Work uniform of Gucci provided. Occasional travel to the Bahamas and lunches at The Ivy with never ending supply of Grazia Magazine. Skills required: Twitter, sleep, coffee and watching reality shows.

I'm sure the offers will come flying in. But in the meantime, anyone know of a support group for victims of The Talk?



This blog is a mish mash of two old posts that were only read by three people, one of which was my mum.

36 comments:

  1. Ahhhhhh, you do make me..........urmmmmm, wish we were real friends and not just twends :-) xx Jess!ewisSpain

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    1. We can be! You're not too far away!

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  2. THIS is the post I should have written today (but chickened out).

    There are people worse than you - ME.

    What do I do once my youngest son finally starts school? Why, I offer to look after my baby niece (who is genuinely adorable).

    Nobody can tell you how difficult looking after 3 kids is. My eldest is 13, middle 4, youngest 3, and people assume the oldest needs zero care and attention.
    Life is a constant round of bickering, guilt, depression, anger, frustration, the odd rush of intense love (quickly shattered by "why the fuck did I have 3 kids?" thoughts), washing, drying, cooking, food shopping, craving sugar/caffine/alcohol/company...but I think, deep down, we know we're doing our best?

    If that isn't enough, tough shit.

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    1. Ah Lucy. I always enjoy reading your comments. We need to team up and be bad together x

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  3. I work PT & i get the talk every so often. What am i using my degree for? Would i not like to work FT like my friends? Fuck off im an unpaid Nanny, Chief, Housekeeper & Taxi. *hugs*

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    1. I'm going to spend a day doing feck all just to prove what I do actually do ;-)

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  4. You could be describing my life. Brought a lump to my throat reading it. It's a trapped feeling as well as a bored one. Love my kids and my husband but sometimes I miss me, and without childcare or family help there is no way out! A relative once said to me that she didn't know why I was moaning as I didnt have to work and was basically a "kept woman" I said "what like Rapunzel!!"

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    1. Ha good answer! I'm glad you could identify because it makes me feel that, well, it's not just ME x

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  5. I work but hubs doesn't and now both kids are in school we looked at him going back to work (he was made redundant about 3 years ago). We looked at what we'd do with the girls over the summer holidays and thats when it all fell down.
    And before you think oh well your ok , you work, hubs is useless at housework! So, I work f/t and my wage goes on our monthly bills and I get to do the housework too!

    BNM

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    1. Rubbish!
      I worked out that if I worked 3 days then it would cost about £1000 a month in childcare

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  6. I'm 'the nanny'. I just hate the role model some full time working mums perpetuate by acting like they have no help!!! Just fess up bitches, you are only damaging the working mum image by making out you bring in £120k whilst working 38hrs a week and managing the gym 3x a week. ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS??? I dress your kids and often put them to bed. Your choice. Just don't make other mums feel shitty by pretending that it was all you ok? Lots of love, Nanny McFloggins xx

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  7. Much easier being at work. I had to ban my kids from asking me questions before cos they irritated me so much. Would love a nanny too. Good to know other people aren't skipping round full of the joys of motherhood.

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    1. My kids get on my tits by saying "Mummmmm" over 7000 times a day

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  8. I want to have this talk with the Mr. He would rather not because it involves me wanting to work and him assuming that I can fit this work in 2 mornings a week.
    Happy days!

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    1. Alison, let's start a toddler group and make cash by selling GIN

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  9. I have 3 kids (10, 8 and 6). I miraculously got offered a job, 18 hrs a week. So far, so exciting. But it was just over minimum wage. The childcare costs for my 3 kids is twice that. So in school holidays, I would be paying double what I earn for the privilege of the hassle of working. My OH (during The Talk) said that maybe it was worth it to have a "proper" job. I said, "Would you work for £**** a year?" "No" he said, "but I'm not you." Well, I AM me, and I'm not bloody doing it. I want a job (like you, to relieve the tedium!) but not at any price. I don't expect miracles, but I gave up a professional job when youngest was born, and I'm struggling with the notion of working for peanuts/minimum wage now, plus all the extra hassle and stress it would cause. If you find your dream job, can you get me one too, please?! xxx

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    1. If I find that job, I'm not sharing ;-)
      Thanks for your comment. I so get where you're coming from X

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  10. Wow my husband doesn't dare give me the talk, and I can prove it, he still has both his testicles. I work, do the housework and cooking, paint and the secret to my success is a fantastic MIL who lives 10 minutes away but inmy previous life I had two kids, an arrogant selfish husband and no family close so I soooooo empathise with you. The only solution for me was divorce. It also cured my palpitations, Reynards syndrome and anxiety but maybe you could find a less drastic remedy but you sure need to find one .........

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    1. It's not that bad. I get to go on holiday and have the occasional new outfit. Plus I've learnt his card details off by heart ;-)

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  11. Omg "The Talk", we're not the only ones! Good luck in your search but don't go full time. I did and wish I hadn't, can't change now though.

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    1. Jack it in and come hang out with me!

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  12. You are not alone, that's for sure.
    It is virtually impossible to have children and a 'proper' job, even when they are older. It is about time that society began to realise that being a full time mum is a proper job and there is nothing wrong with doing it. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to the fifties and sixties when life was simpler. Who was it who first suggested that women could have it all? They were wrong.
    I had a good education and a career in a bank. My first marriage ended and I gave up my career and moved abroad for a short spell (a book will eventually be written!)
    After meeting my second husband and having children I worked weekends, getting up at 4.40 in the morning working from 6am to 2pm. Of course when I came home I was expected to be mum and housewife again. This went on for 10years!
    Anyway, I am now a fully qualified English language teacher and work for myself. I had to give up a well paid job teaching in a college because my son has a medical condition which means he is often off school.
    To cut a long story short, your husband needs to understand he got the clean end of the stick and yours is somewhat shi@@y and I'm sure he wouldn't wish to swap places.
    Take care and keep tweeting!

    Jakix

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    1. I had my own shop for a while but I still had to do lots of kid stuff. Although he did have them on Saturdays and paid for the childcare

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    2. Plus I'm a bloody PRINCESS

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  13. If you can get plane fare, you can stay with me for free, and I won't give you the talk unless of course there is drink involved.

    I completely understand where you are coming from, especially since I had to stop working six years ago. The only thing that has saved me from going stark raving mad is blogging and twitter. I miss work, I miss the adult conversation. I drive my husband nuts by chatting him up the minute he enters the door after working a twelve hour shift.

    I'm sorry I have no answers for you, but you are not alone, there are a lot of us like you.

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    1. I know. I'm glad I've realised that. Thanks for getting it!

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  14. Working and having children is so fricking hard. You make arrangements that just about work then they get sick/have an inset day/you have to work slightly longer one day and then it's fricking impossible.

    I'm convinced the only way to do it well is to work for yourself. You're intelligent, resourceful and as a parent you endlessly problem solve so why not have some thoughts in that direction?

    And really the Talk can't be ended by the special love? Woah!

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    1. I had my own business for five years. A shop. But it just wasnt gonna work with having number three. Feeding and emotions and childcare

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  15. Nooooo don't do it! Stay at home and drink tea and do more blogging....work is so overrated! I sympathise with you over a husband who thinks that staying at home blogging and tweeting isn't really enough....I have to sneak on to my PC and quickly flick screens when he walks in! Why am I doing it in secret I ask?!

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  16. Brilliant post Claire. We can indeed have it all. Just not at the same time.

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  17. Work and children are not compatable - fact.

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  18. Maybe we need to become celebs?
    Or maybe not

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  19. Oh dear, you are living my nightmare life right now. I somehow thought that giving up a six figure salaried job to launch a website (where I work alone, for myself and which I let people use for free) wouldn't have a devastating effect on my self-esteem or the family budget. I still want to take the kids to school but I DON'T want to be a sodding cleaner. I still want to go to the gym mid-morning, but I WANT to go to the Caribbean. For now, it's a pile of ironing and a caravan in Cornwall.

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  20. I am currently on maternity leave and the groundhog has already set in. Much as I love the little darlings, I can't imagine not going back to work. I only wish your job spec applied to mine :D

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