CHILDBIRTH ISN'T THE MIRACLE - SURVIVING PARENTHOOD IS

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

My Top Five Child Milestones

This evening my toddler said "Bloody Hell". I'm thinking of marking it down in his Child Personal Health Record (red book) that comes free with every kid, under the title "Listens, retains information and uses in the correct context."

It got me thinking. The Chief of Health Visitors needs to meet with me because I reckon I could rewrite the red book in a more appropriate manner. Of course it's wonderful when your child rolls over, grows first tooth, sits up, crawls etc but I am much more thrilled by the following:

1. BEING ABLE TO USE THE REMOTE CONTROL
On a weekend, I used to get about five minutes lie-in before a child shouted "Mummyyyy the show has finished!". I now get about an extra forty minutes before they demand breakfast simply because they have finally worked out how to use the remote. I'm sure those anti-tv mums curse this milestone, but it's one of my favourites.

2. CLIPPING AND UNCLIPPING IN THE CAR
Sometimes it takes me 24 hours to get my kids in and out of the car. Getting a toddler into a car seat can be hell so thank the lord when other children become self-sufficient. I can put all my energy into the toddler whilst hearing the happy clip-clip from the other two seatbelts. And unloading is easier too - unless they climb through the front and exit roadside which has happened on more than one occasion. Errands aren't so bad now because I can get a pint of milk without feeling that I've caught the cow and milked it myself before even getting to the shop.

3. GETTING OWN JUICE/SNACK
I hate that shovel-food-into-mouth stage, especially because very little of it gets where it's supposed to go. My toddler can now feed himself and I don't care that he walks around with his bowl while the dog has the occasional lick.

4. BEING ABLE TO GET DRESSED AND PUT SHOES ON
There is much screaming in our house directed at the kids to get dressed for school. The fact that I have to dress myself and the toddler is so much better than dressing two other kids as well. And even though the most common phrase in this house is "Get your shoes on" at least I don't have to try and bend over to reach their feet because, hey, I'm not getting any younger.

5. LEARNING TO WIPE OWN'S BUM
This takes time. My eldest can remember exactly what time his favourite shows are on but he often forgets to wipe his bum. The girl usually forgets to wash her hands so she often has smelly hands as well as a smelly bum.

I doubt these will be in many parents scrapbook but I'd put them in mine (if I wasn't so anti-craft). What milestones would you record?

21 comments:

  1. I love this, real notes by a real parent, rather than the fantasy parent we are all meant to be. And on the subject of 'bloody hell'. One of my earliest memories is of sitting in the back of my mum's car (no seat belts) trying desperately to convince her that I had said "blue-dy hell" and not "bloody hell". She didn't believe me. I got told off... it was only years later I realised the injustice of having been chastised by the person most likely to have taught me the damn phrase!!!!

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    1. Haaaa! I remember saying "Fuck" for the first time and trying to convince my dad that I had no idea what it meant!

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    2. love this,my favourite is when they can answer the telephone,especially a cold caller,works a treat

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  2. Brilliant! I think mine would be:
    1. First word (totally convinced it was "bye bye" when Eldest was five months old. Not to a real person. It was when Vera Duckworth died on Coronation Street)
    2. Eldest becoming middle class (threw major half-hour tantrum, aged two, about having to go to Tesco rather than Waitrose)
    3. First swearing, obvs (Youngest didn't want nappy changed so Daddy muttered something about "well, you'll have to just sit in sh*t". Cue morning of Youngest dancing round the house chanting "sit in sh*t! sit in sh*t!")
    4. Youngest (almost 3 now) watching Star Wars two days ago and announcing "I want be on dark side". I've always known this, somehow.
    5. Eldest working out what mummy does at work (while playing at being mummy. "I at work now. I at 'puter. These people so annoying, I go home now!" So accurate! How does he know??)

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  3. Genius! I am writing these into my red book now - glad mine isn't the only sweary toddler!

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    1. Then show your Health Visitor. She'll be impressed

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  4. Brilliant! My kids took ages to get remote sussed, but are now completely au fait with Sky+ - hooray! Eldest is nearly 11 and still can't do up laces, but at that age I figure it's his fault, not mine. Love that you are anti- craft. Me too. But you're not supposed to sat it out loud, might get struck down by the organic goddess of yummy-mummydom.

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    1. Go to search box on my blog and put anti-crafts, this will explain why

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  5. Ha ha ha.. "Bloody hell" you crack me up... I would have to add.. Helping themselves to daddy's money to buy what they want.. (2yr old, wants a pink phone, takes all pound coins, no coppers) lol

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    1. They don't do this yet. But I do.

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  6. These are ace! H is slowly learning to use the TiVo remote and got a Peppa Pig DVD for his birthday a couple of weeks ago so if we want some extra time in bed we stick the DVD on. The only problem is at the end of each episode he turns the TV off as he STILL hasn't realised there is over an hour's worth of episodes on the DVD. Seriously, how long does it take to realise?! *yawn*

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  7. Love these, though number 1 is my fav. Eldest can do all 5... and as soon as the other two can uts plain sailing right?

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  8. My Charlie is an eating machine, his learning to get his own snack has resulted in no food ever in the house, a lock on the freezer,the removal of the fruit bowl and endless stressful trips to the supermarket. He thinks nothing of eating five bananas in a row, he can get a whole bunch of grapes in his mouth and says things like, "I don't really like....but if I swallow it whole, I can't taste it". Friends have been known to go shopping especially because he is coming round for tea, I have been asked to bring fruit and one of my friends has even named him the locust. I have phrases that I say often, "this is the period of the day where there is no eating", "we are currently in between meals" and the far more exasperated "just stop eating" "get out of my kitchen". He eats the ingredients whilst I'm cooking, I can get things out of the fridge, come back and he's had them. And he doesn't just eat food, he eats books, paper, fabric, toys,water bottles, marbles, Lego and goodness only knows what from the garden

    This huge amount of eating results in a huge amount of poo, I am eternally grateful that he has learnt to wipe his own bum and can not wait until he learns to flush the toilet, especially at other people's houses

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  9. Those are the best milestones ever! I so wish I had thought of them! The kids getting their own breakfast was a biggy for me too, those extra minutes in bed were wonderful. The latest milestone, was my youngest getting his driver's licence, he loves running errands for me because he can go by himself. Off to the store he goes for bread, milk, even picking up my prescriptions. The downside, I needed the car at 6am this morning, and he had taken it to rowing. Thus I am now texting him every ten minutes, waiting for him to get off the water and bring the damn car home, yes, we are a one car family with 5 drivers.

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  10. I'm adding a page to my son's book with those milestones. Much more memorable. Especially the one about bring able to buckle themselves into their carseats.

    My son's first word was tickle, followed by an evil chuckle as he discovered his boys bits. That's not going in his book, it's going in the memory bank for his 21st.

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  11. I absolutely love this and you should totally re-write the red book. My son now knows the numbers of all the channels likely to contain kids' programmes and that has saved me endless trips from various parts of the house (makes our terraced house sound massive) to change the channel. My next mission is to get him wiping his own arse as that will save masses of trips upstairs (oh for a downstairs toilet) and "might heave" moments first thing. Also need to get 2yo to watch TV as she ignores it completely and this means I get NO PEACE at all.

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  12. You've pipped me to the post with the remote control one. Getting them to tie their shoe laces was a huge relief I seem to recall. My eldest is 11 so I am counting the days until she is 16 gets her licence and can drive me about. She is very sensible and it will be fun to have a chauffeur.

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  13. I was going to say when they learn to tidy up after themselves, but my husband is 46 and there's still no sign of him meeting this milestone any time soon, so there isn't much hope for my kids

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  14. Maybe the first time they can read the 'Sky' TV menu and tell you what's on next!!!?

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