I am not a very good liar. Not one little bit. In fact whenever I lie it's so damn obvious because I fabricate the most blown-up unbelievable stories ever. Like when I have spent £500 in one month on nothing - except there are a few new frocks in my wardrobe and my hair is lookin' good and my husband asks where all my money goes and I make up some crazy ass story about the kids needing expensive shoes and aren't school dinners very costly these days. Needless to say, I have a 100% record for being busted.
Although, saying that, my ability to lie to my children is AMAZEBALLS which is great because one of the major skills you need to be a parent is LYING. Thankfully when my brain cells diminished since having kids, my ability to lie increased.
Here's a list of my Top Five Mum Lies:
1. IN A MINUTE
I defy any mother to say that she's never used this. It's practically parenting law to use this lie every goddamn day. "In a minute" is the answer to many, many things like "Can we have sweets?", "When's dinner ready?" and "Can we do that?".
2. IT'S BROKEN
This is mostly applied to those ride-ons outside supermarkets. I don't think my children have ever encountered one that works.
"It's broken" is also great to use whenever there is a threat of crafts. Today my toddler wasn't able to paint because, hey, the paints were "broken".
3. IT'S CLOSED
Mostly applied to the ice-cream van and the park. Used frequently in the summer months.
4. THE TOOTH FAIRY IS VERY BUSY
I can remember exactly when my child benefit arrives in my account but damn it, I can never remember to put money under a pillow. It does, however, mysteriously appear in the morning when the child has popped out of bed. That tooth fairy needs a personal assitant, I tell ya.
5. IT'S THE LAW
Which is a rubbish lie that never ever works. Except when asked if they can skip school but then it's not really a lie but a useful fact when you've planned a day in front of the telly. "Go to bed, it's the law" will rarely be believed and "Eat your carrots, it's the law" will just get laughed at.
Ahhhhh also Mums lie to each other, although I don't think I've done this much. I'm the first to admit how rubbish my kids are. Yet when that new mum is bragging about her kid walking at 6 months and that other one is boasting about her kid reading at 2 years...they're lying, right? Here are my top 3 Mum to Mum lies:
1. MY CHILD SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT
Especially that fecker who reckons their newborn slept through at 3 weeks old. I appreciate some babies do sleep through early but not as early as NEWBORN, surely? Or maybe they do - because I'd have no idea since my toddler is coming up 4 and is still a rubbish sleeper.
2. MY CHILD DOESN'T WATCH TV
That's not always a lie but for the majority of mums is a laughably blatant one.
3. HE'S TIRED, HE NEVER BEHAVES LIKE THIS
Actually, I use this all the time when my toddler is being badass because, you know, he's the Golden Child who can do no wrong. And mostly, my friends are gracious enough to believe me.
So please let me know about your MUM LIES - especially if they're as good as "If you eat your bogies, you'll get worms".